


You don't know how lovely you are

by Morgan_Lungbarrow



Series: There's always a space in my hearts for you [1]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Academy Era, Alternate History, Auntie Bill and Uncle Nardole because we can, Bad Cooking, Child Death, Dialogue Heavy, Doctor Who: Academy Era, F/M, Family, Family Fluff, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Gallifreyan Biology (Doctor Who), Gallifreyan Culture (Doctor Who), Gallifreyan History (Doctor Who), Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, I promise this isnt all depressing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Long Live Feedback Comment Project, Party, Pregnancy, Referenced Time War (Doctor Who), Roadtrips, Romance, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Stillbirth, Suicide Attempt, The Vault (Doctor Who), Time Tots | Babies (Doctor Who), Vault fic, the doctor trying to be cute and failing, these four are now a family, twissy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2021-02-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:09:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 24,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27304648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morgan_Lungbarrow/pseuds/Morgan_Lungbarrow
Summary: It is no secret the Doctor and the Master have rebelled against society more times than anyone could count. It came as no surprise to the village when Koschei birthed a daughter without the use of a loom.Two thousand years later, the incident lays forgotten in Missy's mind, until one day that all changes.She begins to realise she still loves the Doctor. And that she is pregnant with his child. Even though she has been no where near him in years.The Doctor doesn't know what happened to his daughter, until one day that all changes.He begins to realise there is more to Missy's memories than he thought. And that maybe he still has feelings for her, even though he most definitely shouldn't.Then there's Bill who simply wants to keep the peace by playing Happy Families. And becoming Auntie Bill.And Nardole, who simply doesn't understand.
Relationships: The Doctor | Theta Sigma/The Master | Koschei (Doctor Who: Academy Era), Twelfth Doctor & Missy, Twelfth Doctor & Nardole & Bill Potts, Twelfth Doctor/Missy
Series: There's always a space in my hearts for you [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1993561
Comments: 63
Kudos: 62





	1. Pilot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own doctor who
> 
> Please note:
> 
> I will be changing the tags as I go, simply because that makes my life easier. All warnings will be IN THE TAGS, so for your own sake, check them.
> 
> This is dark. I regularly torture my characters. I'm sorry. There will be a happy ending.
> 
> I apologise in advance if anything is done badly, I don't want to offend anyone. Please leave a comment with anything you want me to change.
> 
> Phoexx
> 
> Title from 'The Scientist' by Coldplay

Missy was curled up on her bed. It wasn’t comfortable, in desperate need of a new mattress, but she didn’t care. On a normal day, she would already have got dressed and made her bed, waiting for Eggie to bring her breakfast, yet right now she was hugging her pillow against her, still in her pyjamas. At exactly eight thirty, a voice came over the intercom, followed by the sound of the doors opening, as Nardole blundered in. “Morning Missy, I’ve bought you scrambled eggs today, how are you?” He busied himself emptying the tray onto the table. “The Doctor has a busy week, so he won’t be able to see you for a few days, ok?” She continued to ignore him. “Are you awake? It’s unlike you to sleep in.” Nardole walked over to the other side of the bed, and sighed. “See, you are awake. Come on, breakfast.” Missy turned away from him, screwing her eyes shut. “Fine, suit yourself. I’ll be back at lunch.” He left her, but she didn’t move.

When Nardole returned some time later, she hadn’t moved from her position on the bed. He went over to talk to her, though he got no response. The third time he came back, Missy was subtly aware it was evening. Once again, he left her food, and she didn’t acknowledge him, simply holding her pillow tighter. 

Night fell (or at least the weather-simulating windows changed, showing the night sky above the University) and Missy watched the stars move across the sky, until the sun started to rise, casting rich reds and oranges in streaks, breaking the darkness. Nardole came in, placed some toast on the table, and left, muttering something along the lines of “She never listens, does she?”

It was on the morning of the third day of Missy’s impromptu hunger strike that Nardole began to get concerned. During her early years in the vault, it was not unlike Missy to go for a day or two without eating, until Nardole brought her favourite breakfast and she gave in. Her favourite breakfast was currently sitting on the table, and Missy was still lying in bed.  
He walked over towards her, and saw she was clutching a small rag doll, which was filthy. She was pale and looked exhausted. Nardole doubted whether she had even slept in the past week. After the six months they’d accidentally left her with very little food, she’d lost a lot of weight, but now she seemed even worse. “Missy? What’s wrong?” This time, she didn’t even turn away, just continued staring absently past him. “You know, I am going to have to get the Doctor if you don’t eat or drink anything.” Still she ignored him. He made a gentle grab for the rag doll in an attempt to get her attention. It worked, but not the way he had intended. Missy pushed him away with a snarl and looked as if she was about to cry. Nardole sighed and immediately backed away, not wanting to start a fight he couldn’t win. “I’ll give you until lunch, then I’m getting the Doctor.” And just like that he hurried out once more, leaving her alone. Even though that was the last thing she wanted. He was just too blind to see it.

That morning, the Doctor had an early lecture, and by the time Nardole arrived it had inconveniently already begun. He took his usual seat in the corner, watching with feigned interest to fit in with the students around him. This was going to be a long morning.

After the lecture, the Doctor and Bill made their way up to his office. She had an extra tutoring session booked for today after completing her latest four thousand word essay. They arrived to see Nardole standing in the doorway, arms crossed. “Sir, a word?” The Doctor gave an exaggerated sigh, collapsing into his chair. 

“Morning Nardie.” Bill smiled, hugging him briefly before sitting down on the other side of the desk. 

“Morning Miss Potts. Sir, I really must talk to you.”

“Oh fine, what do you want now? And could you make us some tea?” 

“Missy is acting strangely, she’s refusing to eat and is clutching a rag doll, I’ve never seen it until now, but it is absolutely filthy. And I’ve not seen her out of bed for two days.” The Doctor looked like he had been hit by a bus. “Go down and make sure she’s ok, don’t try and take the rag doll. Tell her I’ll be there at lunch. And put some vodka in the tea.” Nardole nodded and shuffled out the room.

“Are you alright?” Bill asked, watching with concern as the Doctor rested his head in his hands.

“This is bad Bill. I didn’t even realise she still had that doll.” He let out a groan and glanced at the photos on the desk, muttering quietly to himself. 

“What is it?”

“It’s not my place to say, well I could, but that would only make the situation worse…” Bill reached a hand over the table. The Doctor was crying quietly, but trying to hide it. 

“She’ll be fine, don’t worry.” She knew how much he liked to worry about Missy. “We can cancel today if you want to go down and see her.” The Doctor shook his head, wiping his eyes with a tissue. “No, I promised you. I’ll go down later.” 

Unfortunately, no sooner than Bill had pulled her essay out of her bag and placed it on the table, Nardole’s voice buzzed over the intercom built into the Doctor’s sonic shades. ‘Sir, are you there?’

“Oh, what now Nardole, you know I’m busy!”

‘Well, sir, this is important. We have a code orange.’

No sooner had the words been spoken, the Doctor had left the room.

Bill managed to catch up with him as they ran outside. “What’s a code orange?” She was rapidly running out of breath. 

“Literally the worst possible thing. We haven’t had one since she arrived here.” The Doctor was still running faster, and growing increasingly panicked (and definitely not in the mood to answer her questions).

The door to the basement was opened by the sonic, and Bill could already hear Missy yelling as they ducked through the doorway and down the steps. The vault door was ajar, and Nardole was standing in the doorway, trying to reason with her. He pulled his head back around sharply as something was thrown his way. Bill didn’t think she had ever seen him so grateful for the Doctor. “What the hell’s going on?” His voice was somewhere between anger and sadness. 

“I came down, told her you were going to see her at lunch. Missy asked if you knew about the doll, and I said yes. She started yelling at me, throwing things and threatening to kill herself. I can’t understand half of what she’s saying.”

“You two stay back; I need to deal with this.” 

Carefully, the Doctor peered into the vault. The sight in front of him was worse than he could have imagined. The floor was a mess, furniture moved around and broken. Missy was bleeding and had somehow managed to make a noose which was now tied to the ceiling. The ladder Nardole had been using a few days ago to change the light bulbs was below it, and Missy was slowing climbing her way up. She was clutching the rag doll, crying and still yelling. “Missy, please stop. We can talk.” He tried to hide the fear he was feeling.  
“Go away, you don’t care! Just leave me be!”

“Master please.” The Doctor needed her to listen, but her mind had engulfed her. “Koschei.” She stopped, continuing to scream at him, though no longer climbing up the ladder. “Koschei, I care about you more than anything. I love you and I want to help you, I really do. And I won’t take the doll from you. Come down, I can help.” He reached out a hand for her to take, watching as she tried to hide the rag doll from him. “I don’t believe you. You left me when I needed you the most. I hate you.” She practically spat the words out as if they were diseased, and started climbing up again. “You’ve done this before, and it hasn’t ever solved anything. I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere. You’re my best friend, I need you.” 

“My head…It’s all too loud. I can’t do this…” She was now nearly at the top and clearly wasn’t coming down. It was like when they were teenagers again. The Doctor did the only thing he could think of. Climbing up after her, he reached up and wrapped his arms around her waist, ignoring her protests as she lashed out at him. And then he pulled.

The falling happened in slow motion. Missy’s body flailing above him as he tried to protect her from further injury. He saw Bill and Nardole running towards them. Someone was yelling out, it took him a moment to realise it was him. The floor was getting closer and closer and…and…

It was as if stars went out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (For realism sake, I would like to point out the height of the vault. The ceilings are going to be pretty high).
> 
> Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	2. An argument

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor and Nardole have an argument

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think the tags make this seem a little more depressing than it is. Dialogue heavy this one. Phoexx

There was a ringing in the Doctor’s ears and he could hear voices but they sounded so far away. Someone was shaking him. The Doctor opened his eyes and saw Bill leaning over him, a worried look on her face. “Hello Granddad.” She said with a smile. He tried to respond, but found the words tangled in his throat. Nardole appeared next to Bill and waved. “Welcome back sir.” He then disappeared back out of his vision. 

“What happened?” It took a minute longer to find the words he needed, probably because of the chronic headache he now had. “You pulled Missy off the ladder and hit your head pretty head on the way down. You saved her though.” Bill pointed at where he’d fallen. Missy’s weight must have crushed him when they landed. He tried to sit up, but she put a gentle hand on his shoulder. “I’d probably give yourself a minute so you don’t pass out.”

“I’m a two thousand year old Time Lord, I’ll be fine.” He regretted his decision instantly as a wave of dizziness washed over him. “Alright Bill, you may have a point.” He propped himself up against the dresser and waited for the dizziness to pass. “Is Missy ok?” 

“Much better for you catching her. She still hit her head and hasn’t come back round. Nardole thinks she’ll be fine.” The Doctor gave a small nod, wincing slightly due to the pain in his head. 

“Sorry about this, I think we’ll have to reschedule for another day.” 

“Doctor, it doesn’t matter. You hardly could have predicted throwing yourself off a ladder.”

“Accidentally, I might add.” He looked very embarrassed about the whole situation. Nardole walked over to join them; he had his unimpressed face on. “What now?” The Doctor sounded rather fed up.

“Whilst I appreciate you saving her, was it really necessary to fall several metres of a ladder? Your head is bleeding and your clothes are a mess.” 

“You do realise that it wasn’t intentional. And that I don’t think the blood’s mine.”

“Seriously, sir, you can’t risk yourself like that. If we weren’t here, you’d both be in a far worse state.”

“And what did you expect me to do? Leave her to die?! I’ve seen her die in agony before, and I’m not going to let her do that to herself again! I don’t think I can handle that. Not after last time… I’ve already lost River, who do you want me to lose next!” The Doctor knew he was raising his voice, simply from the alarm on Bill’s face. “Sorry, sensitive subject.”  
“Yeah, I can tell. Now let me sort your head out.” Nardole began dressing the wound on the back of the Doctor’s head whilst he continued to complain about it. 

“You said that had happened before?” Bill asked, a little nervously. 

“Yeah, twice, at least. Those are the only times I know about and it wouldn’t surprise me if… I really don’t want to talk about it Bill.”

“Don’t worry, I shouldn’t have asked.”

“It’s not your fault. Brings back painful memories for both me and her. Nardole, have you nearly finished?” He was getting increasingly impatient.

“Almost sir. Would you like me to go get you a change of clothes? I’m doubting you will want to leave your Mistress.” He said the latter part of his question sarcastically. 

“Now what Nardole? Does everything I say have to upset you this morning?” 

“Well, sir, if you really want to know, I am very disappointed in you.”

“Oh, sorry mum!” Bill couldn’t stop herself from laughing at their bickering.

“You two need to grow up a bit, you’re both as bad as each other!” When Nardole finally finished the Doctor unwillingly turned around to face him. 

“You told her you loved her.”

“That’s what’s bothering you? Nardole, grow up.”

“I’m serious sir. Whilst it may seem petty, I am concerned. You know what she can be like. And I don’t completely trust you to act sensibly.”

“Nardole, there is nothing going on between us. There never was or ever will be. I promise you. Could you please leave me alone?” 

“I seem to recall River mentioning something about you two a very long time ago.”

“Nardole. Go.”

“No sir, I won’t. Not until you start telling me the truth. You’re forgetting I spent twenty four years with you on Darillium.”

“I see. You don’t want me going behind her back.”

“Exactly.”

“She’s dead Nardole. And we did always have a fairly open relationship.” The Doctor cleared his throat awkwardly and shakily stood up. Neither of them tried to stop him as he crossed the Vault and disappeared into the bathroom. “Fancy telling me what that was all about?” Bill had started tidying the floor, gathering the clothes back into the dresser. 

“I think the Doctor has feelings for Missy.” Bill rolled her eyes good-naturedly. 

“What gives you that impression? I can’t believe it’s taken you this long to come to that conclusion.”

“You mean?”

“Yep.”

And with that Bill found herself alone. Nardole had ran out as quickly as he could, which she was convinced was simply to get out of the massive clean up job they were faced with.  
By the time the Doctor emerged from the bathroom, Nardole had still not returned and the Vault was in a significantly better condition than it had been earlier. Bill was sitting on a chair by Missy’s bed, which she gave up when the Doctor approached. He took one look at her and let out a sad sigh. “Where did Nardole put the doll?” Bill nearly jumped at the sound of his voice in the quiet.

“Um, I think he put it in the kitchen.” The Vault didn’t have an actual kitchen so to speak, as Missy wasn’t trusted enough, but it did have a snack cupboard and a place to make drinks. The rag doll was sitting on top of a pair of blood soaked pyjamas, which had been placed on the worktop by the washing machine. The Doctor grabbed it and returned to Missy, tucking it in with her, knowing she would appreciate it when she did finally wake up. He sunk into the chair, taking her hand and simply watching her. You didn’t need to be a doctor to see she was genuinely ill, too ill to be simply from the past few days. “You love her don’t you?” He glanced up at Bill, who had grabbed another chair to join him. He wiped his face with the back of his hand. “I do. More than anything.”

“Why don’t you tell her?” He was surprised Bill didn’t seem bothered, which she noticed straight away. “I don’t care who you love Doctor, ignore Nardole. He does care about you, I think he’s a little over protective some days, that’s all.”

“Missy’s been through so much, I don’t want to make that worse. We were together a long time ago, but it went wrong, something happened and things were never the same after that. I know what’s caused this, and I just want her to stop hurting. The two times she tried to kill herself before, I remember them like yesterday. I feel so guilty for letting her pain get so bad that we’re back in this position. Especially with what is causing this. I suppose I'm glad I stopped her before she actually could.” Bill reached over and hugged him, making sure he wouldn’t have the chance to protest first. 

They sat in a comfortable silence waiting for Nardole, who eventually showed up ten minutes later, carrying a carrier bag and a change of clothes. He looked even less impressed than he had done earlier. “What took you so long? You’ve been gone nearly an hour!” He ignored Bill and walked over to the Doctor. 

“You’ve given her back the doll.”

“Yes, I have. And?”

“It’s filthy and unhygienic!” Nardole made a grab for it, but the Doctor blocked his path.

“It’s also her most precious possession. Leave it.” 

“If it is her most precious thing, why haven’t I seen it before? You’re forgetting I have a list of everything in the Vault.”

“I know, you keep reminding me.”

“Did you buy it for her and not tell me?” The Doctor was staring at the floor, trying to collect his thoughts. “I bought it a very long time ago for someone else, way before we arrived here. I thought she had lost it and had no idea it was here.”

“Who did you buy it for?”

“Is this twenty questions or something?”

“Sir, I am only attempting to get to the bottom of the situation.”

“Shut up.”

“Sir-“

“I said shut up!” The Doctor fell back into the chair and started rummaging through his pockets. No one dared say anything. Bill watched as he pulled out a small gold necklace and studied it for a moment. He then reached for the doll and placed it around its neck. “What are you doing?” The Doctor let out a groan as soon as Nardole started talking again. 

“Does it matter? Are you going to be like this all day?”

“Until you stop lying to me, yes.”

“Missy needs to know I understand what’s going on. When she wakes up, she’ll see the necklace. It may sound stupid, but it will help.”

“Sir, there’s something you should be aware of. I think you may have oversimplified this.” He gently placed the clothes on the arm of the chair and reached into the bag. “I found this on Missy. I went back to the TARDIS to see what it was. Took me a while, but the TARDIS told me.” Nardole lifted out a small wooden box, covered in elegant Gallifreyan scrolls.

The Doctor looked like he had been hit by a bus for the second time that morning. “It can’t be…. That’s not possible!” He gingerly reached for the box, which glowed yellow as soon as he laid hands on it. 

“What is it?” Bill asked. “It’s very pretty.”

The Doctor didn’t respond. He simply cried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed :-) Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	3. A misunderstanding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy wakes up, and everything gets a little confusing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally wrote this in 90 minutes and haven't proof read, but I want to go to bed. Phoexx

The Doctor was looking intently at the box, which had been placed on Missy’s bed side table. He sipped his half-drunk cup of tea slowly, making it last as long as possible to avoid talking to anyone. “Doctor, I’ve brought lunch.” He jolted upright, nearly spilling the last remaining dregs of his tea in the process as Bill sat down, holding a plate of sandwiches out to him. “Already?”

“You’ve been staring at that box for over an hour.” He took the sandwiches with a smile but didn’t eat them. 

Half an hour later, and Nardole’s patience had run out. “Sir, are you going to explain yourself?” He had been striving for an answer for a while, although the Doctor had taken to ignoring him instead. “Nardole. For the last time, I can’t tell you something when I don’t know the truth myself.”

“For the last time, I fail to believe you.”

“The only thing I do know, I’m not telling you. Not without Missy’s consent.”

“Why?”

“Because I respect my friend’s privacy! For Goodness sake, can you drop the subject?”

“Give him some space Nardole, it’s been a rough day.” Bill was also starting to get frustrated with him. 

“Are they linked?” He obviously wasn’t listening.

“Are what linked?”

“The box and the doll. I know what that box is and I’m very angry.” The Doctor was becoming more and more irritated. 

“Actually Nardole, I am very angry with you. Could you not see how ill Missy is? This is from more than her not eating for two days.”

“Of course, she’s pregnant!”

“Wait? What?” Bill gasped loudly.

“You only found that out two hours ago! And Bill, don’t. Just don’t.”

“I was acting under your instruction!” They were both now yelling loudly.

“Maybe so, however, have you ever heard of something called common sense?” At this point, Bill tried to intervene, though it was to no avail. “Sir, tell me the truth.”

“No. Will you drop the subject?”

“Who’s the father?” The Doctor bowed his head. “Well? Tell me!”

“Nardole, calm down. This is hardly helping the situation.” Bill found she was also close to yelling.

“Sir. I will ask you one more time. I need to know the answer so I can deal with this.” The Doctor didn’t even know what to say. So he said the truth, because at least that might shut him up for a minute. “I am.” He thought it pathetic, his voice barely a whisper in the cavernous space. It did shut Nardole up; unfortunately only for a minute. “What happened?” His question was ice cold. “Stop talking, Nardole.”

“Honestly. You need to tell me what happened. Think of everything you’ve put at stake here. What even happens now?”

“I mean it, stop talking.”

“You’re in no fit state to raise a kid, neither of you are. I doubt you even know how. She is a dangerous megalomaniac. You are here to guard her. You are supposed to be her teacher.” The Doctor didn’t think he’d ever heard him so angry. Bill thought he was about to punch Nardole. “Look at me Doctor.”

“I can’t. I need-“

“This means you’ve lied to me again! How can we have a work together if you’re not honest with me? Look at me!” The Doctor kept his head down, ignoring the situation. “Sir, if you want to be difficult, then be difficult. Answer me one thing first. Why did you sleep with her?”

“I didn’t sleep with her.”

“Don’t lie to me again.”

“I’m not. I haven’t slept with her.”

“Then how the hell is she pregnant? I thought you were better than to get someone like her pregnant.” It was like a switch had been flicked in the Doctor’s brain. He stood facing Nardole, meeting him dead in the eye. “For your information, Nardole, I don’t know how she is pregnant. My head is buzzing with a million questions and emotions right now, mainly fear. That’s right, I am terrified. This isn’t your issue to deal with. You will never understand what she has been through, and what I have been through with her. I’m not denying her megalomaniac tendencies, or trying to defend them, though I will always defend her capability of raising a child. I have not slept with her. I don’t love her, I never have and I never will.”

An awkward silence filled the room. Except it wasn’t silent for long, because the sound of crying replaced it. “Missy?” The Doctor bent down to face her. She was now clearly awake and sobbing quietly. “Hey, it’s ok.” He reached for a tissue and went to wipe the tears from her face, not expecting to be punched. It was weak in comparison of what she was capable of, yet sill painful. “Leave me alone, I don’t want to talk to you.” Her voice was weak and the Doctor knew straight away how much he had screwed up. He swore Bill’s eyes were burning a hole in the back of his head. “Missy, let me explain.”

“You know then?” She noticed the box still on her bedside table. The Doctor only nodded. Words seemed futile. “I don’t want to see you. Not until you have decided whether anything over the past two thousand years has meant something, or if you’ve been lying to my face the entire time. I wouldn’t put it past you.”

“Missy- Koschei- please, let me explain. I’m didn’t want to hurt you, or upset you. I didn’t mean what I said.” 

“You don’t get to use that name. I don’t think I have ever been this angry with you. Leave, before I make you.” Missy tried to roll over onto her other side, but the bandages Nardole had put on her arms stopped her. Inconvenient. “Let me help, please. I get what’s bothering you.”

“Doctor dear, surely you’ve learned over all the time we’ve known each other, that no one can ever truly understand what is going on in my head?” She grabbed the lamp of the table and threw it at him with all the strength she could muster while lying down. It worked, the Doctor jumped backwards and gave her space. Of course Nardole couldn’t, having to get involved as always. “Missy, what have I told you about throwing things?” She disregarded his comments, begging herself not to strangle anyone there and then. “Eggie, I know what you’re thinking. He is telling the truth, I haven’t slept with him. Nor would I want to, the lying scum bag!” She hadn’t noticed she’d started yelling until Nardole leaned over her, pushing her down into the bed. Not hard enough to hurt; merely enough to stop her moving. “Missy, you need to calm down.” On reflection, this was quite possibly the worst thing anyone could say to her. Missy started lashing out at him, until the rag doll fell out of her grip. Unable to reach to pick it up, she began to try and get free from where he was holding her. Nardole reached down and grabbed the doll. “As soon as you’ve calmed down, I will give it back to you Missy.” She didn’t get why he couldn’t understand. She needed that doll, to make sure nothing could happen to it, he was blind to that, and to the fact it belonged to…..

The Doctor pulled Nardole back from Missy as soon as he pulled the trigger of the tranquiliser. “And you didn’t have that on you this morning? When we needed it?”

“We needed it now, and no I didn’t.” He snatched the doll of him and laid it with Missy.

“She was overwhelmed, you’ll only have made it worse when she wakes up the next time.”

“Well what was I supposed to do?”

“I don’t know, here’s a start. Number one, not physically restraining her. Number two, not threatening to take the rag doll away. Number three-“

“Will you two please stop!?” Bill cried out at the top of her voice. “Thank you. Nardole, get out of here. Clearly you both need some time to cool off and start being nice to each other again. Missy is going to be out of it for some time, so go.” Surprisingly Nardole complied, with the Doctor trying to also make a quick break for it. “And just where do you think you’re going?”

“The bathroom.”

“No you don’t. Back here. Now!” The Doctor joined her by Missy’s bed. “I may be only young, I may be only human, I may not have had the most amazing love life, I may not have even changed my bloody body. Though I do know this. Under no circumstance do you play around with a girl’s feelings. It is cruel and disgusting and I thought you knew better. Tell me the truth to this one question. Do you love her. I want the actual answer.” His reply was instant.

“Yes. Everything I have told you is true.”

“Then tell her that. Especially if she is carrying your child. You don’t need to be a genius to see how much you have hurt her today, when she is already vulnerable. Forget Nardole.” He nodded slowly, walking over to Missy and placing a kiss on her forehead, whispering “I love you” as he left the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope people are enjoying this so far, please comment what you think. Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	4. A mistake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor tells Bill about something he did a long time ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments! I apologise if the Doctor seems like a bit of an arse in this chapter, but he kinda is. Everything will become clear, and the next chapter will be fluff. Ending is a little sudden but I wanted to get this up today. Phoexx

The afternoon wore on, Nardole was keeping his distance from Bill and the Doctor and the gravity of the situation was starting to sink in. Or maybe it was just the slightly stronger gravity in the Vault. The Doctor had made it match that of Gallifrey, to make Missy feel more at home. It always gave Bill a bit of a headache.

Around four o’clock, Nardole was sent to cover for the Doctor at the weekly University faculty meeting. Bill saw it as an opportunity. “What went on between you and Missy. Not like specifically, but vaguely.” The Doctor took off his reading glasses and put them on the table. He paused for a moment, marked his page in the book he’d been reading (Back In The Milky Way, a love story written in the 23rd century), and focused on ten different things around the room, eventually turning to face Bill. “Where do I even start with something I’ve never told anyone?”

“You don’t have to tell me anything. Although I think you need someone to talk to.” He looked blankly at the wall, thinking. 

“It’s complicated.”

“Everything with you is.” He laughed.

“A very long time ago, something horrific happened. It completely destroyed me and Missy, and it led me to do a series of very bad things. I cheated on her. That was the first thing. It was a mistake, I was drunk and having a hard time. A few weeks later I hit rock bottom, after spending all my time looking after her, and none of it caring for me. “ The Doctor took a shaky breath. “I went out and got drunk again- she begged me not to and I should have listened. When I returned home the next morning I attacked her. I can’t remember what I did, but the next thing I knew, my brother had me tied to a chair, and the medics were there, taking her away. They told me she was dead, and I believed them. The woman who I cheated on her with, it turned out she was pregnant and forced me to stay with her. By the time I realised Missy was still alive, it was one hundred and fifty years later. I tried to find her with the help of my granddaughter, but it was too late. That was the last time she tried to take her life. Afterwards, she disappeared off the face of the universe for a few years, and I ran away with Susan. I don’t know what went on during those years that led to that. She’s never told me. Missy very rarely can recall. Nor has she told me what truly went on, on the day that started all this. Or what I did to her…” Bill handed him a crumpled tissue. 

“I don’t even know what to say.”

“Didn’t think you would. Nardole said that neither of us would even know how to raise the child. I can’t tell you how angry that’s made me.”

“Are you going to tell him that you feel that way?”

“No, not now. That’ll only make it worse in the long run. And Bill, you sound like my mother.” 

“He’s right, you do.” Missy’s voice was still quieter than it would usually be, yet it still startled the Doctor. 

“You’re awake.” He turned his chair back around to face her.

“I am. May have done a tinsy bit of eavesdropping. I didn’t realise how much what happened affected you. Or that she was pregnant. Throw your wife off a second floor landing, nearly kill her an leave her paralysed. Then go off with this other woman and have the perfect family, because I couldn’t give you that! It wasn’t a choice I made! You will never understand the hell I lived through, the things I saw! Were you not suspicious of the medics?! Did you not for one second suspect my family?! But you just swanned off to her! Second time lucky! Is that all I mean to you! Years and years have I looked up to you, did that mean nothing?! Did I mean nothing other than someone you could bang and then forget about?! Well?!” Missy was crying hysterically. “Answer me Doctor!”

“You…You were never…” The look on his face showed the shock better than anything.

“Never what?” 

“You were never a second thought. To this day, I don’t know why I did what I did. I was grieving for what we’d lost, which is a crappy excuse. Everything was so...”

“Try being the one that went through it. Try being the one who was deemed too mentally unstable for help. Imagine losing everything and then being locked in isolation for one hundred and fifty years! I still have nightmares about it. Imagine it only was yesterday, that’s what it’s like for me. Every time I remember, it’s like a million bullets hitting you in the chest. It’s an all consuming void of pain and darkness pulling you down. Wanting to scream and cry until my lungs give out. And then the numbness. The crushing feeling of nothing, because my brain doesn’t know what to feel. Imagine that death, every single time. Imagine knowing that any minute you will forget they even existed. Now, you tell me the truth. Why did you do it? Why, when you know the issues I have, would you hurt me like that? The only person I trust.” The Doctor met Missy’s piercing gaze, feeling like it went right to his soul. “I blamed you. In that instant I blamed you. I will never forgive myself for that.” He managed to narrowly avoid two pillows catapulted at his head. 

Nardole came back just gone five and had not been expecting to see what lay in front of him. The Doctor was sitting on one side of the Vault, writing on several pieces of paper scattered across the table. Missy was sitting in the middle of her bed, curled up in a ball, and watching the Doctor with what Nardole could only describe as a look of sheer agony and pain. She was livid. Bill, well he actually felt bad for her, was standing in the middle of the room, unsure what to do or who to talk to for fear of being yelled at by the other. “What’s going on?” He whispered to her (there was little point with Time Lords having such good hearing) 

“There was an argument. Missy is doing her best not to kill the Doctor, and he is writing an apology/ explanation.”

“What about?”

“You really don’t want to know.”

“Doctor?” Missy uncoiled herself and beckoned him over. Then she kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I basically cut off the last few paragraphs of this chapter and I will put them in the next one. Thank you for reading :-) Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors.
> 
> This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	5. A war of sweets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy, a bath, and some haribo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Accidently a little short this one but never mind. I would rather update more often with shorter chapters. Hope you enjoy :-) Phoexx

It wasn’t exactly the best kiss they’d ever had. He sort of stood there awkwardly, not making any effort in the slightest, which then made her awkward and pull away a little too fast. “Missy- I”

“Shh dearie. I wanted to tell you that I forgive you.” The Doctor perched on the edge of the bed, raising an eyebrow. “You keep telling me to see things from the other side, and I have realised something. You were furious and drunk, you wanted to take out your anger on something. I was the only person you could blame, because I’ve never told you what happened. I’ve been too scared. I don’t think I can ever forgive you for the years after, but I can forgive you for hurting me. It isn’t like I haven’t done the same to you.” The Doctor stayed silent, fiddling with a loose thread on the hem of his coat. He’d done that for as long as she could remember, whenever he was nervous. “I can tell you…” She began, taking his hand. “If you want to know, I can tell you. Tomorrow, if you feel you are ready.”

“What makes you think I’m not? It’s been two thousand years, more than you’ll ever have. I thought you would never be ready to tell me.”

“I don’t want you getting angry. You lose control and it scares me.”

“Promise I won’t. I don’t think I will ever be truly ready, but now feels like the right time. Will you also tell me how you’ve ended up pregnant?”

“I think there is a lot more we need to talk about. Whether or not I can tell you all of it, we can’t deny it either. We’ll have to see what I can say.” 

“Your memories, won’t they fade like usual?”

“Not this time, it’s different. This time I want to remember, but I need you to assure me that you aren’t going anywhere. I don’t think I can handle the memories on my own. After what it was like before- I still feel like…” Since they had known each other for so many years, Missy hadn’t even finished her sentence, and the Doctor already knew what she wanted to say. Gently, he pulled her into a hug. Sometimes actions speak louder than words. “I’m not going anywhere, never again.” 

Bill and Nardole watched from the other side of the Vault. They’d started talking in Gallifreyan and were both holding the rag doll. “Why don’t you give the Doctor some space? I know you want answers, they have a lot of issues to sort through, and are undoubtedly hurting.”

“I don’t want him getting hurt, I don’t trust her, and I need to make sure he sticks to his oath.”

“Nardole, would you really want someone constantly invading your privacy? The circumstances aren’t what you ever expected, however there’s more at work here. Maybe you should try being a friend instead.”

“She is dangerous, and in prison. Bill, it’s just wrong! I only want to do what’s best for us all.”

“What’s best for you or for them. It’s out of your control, so you have to adapt. The Doctor needs you. They will talk to you in time” He glanced at her, unimpressed, and walked over to Missy.

“Missy, I need to change your bandages. Is that ok?” Missy promptly leant into the Doctor, shaking her head. She would move further, but her sprained ankle and back pain were a little inconvenient. “No.” Nardole tried to hide his frustration.

“Missy, you will feel better-“

“No! No, Nardole. I can’t deal with that this second.” 

“He’ll be gentle.” The Doctor pointed out to her, like she hadn’t already worked that out. Missy bit her tongue to avoid saying something too insulting, settling on: “Oh will you both stop it. I said no. Leave me alone.” Nardole went to argue, and the Doctor raised a hand to silence him.

“Missy, I know you’re still not sure how much you trust me, but if you trust me enough, I can change them for you?” 

Ten minutes later and Nardole and Bill were walking through the aisles of Tesco, near to the University. The Doctor had sent them to pick up dinner, though were now distracted by the Halloween decorations and the ridiculous amount of sweets. “Should we get some for Missy?” Bill had stopped by what appeared to be the main display. 

“Suppose it might cheer her up a bit.” Nardole seemed distracted by the packets of Haribo. 

“You alright there?” She tapped him on the shoulder. 

“Yeah. Look, it’s like a tiny fried egg! And the little bears!” He pointed at the bags of Starmix, a little too excitedly. 

“Are you seriously telling me you’ve never had Haribo?” Nardole shook his head, before pointing out the little hearts as well. Bill grabbed a few bags, chucking them into the basket and heading to pay- having to drag Nardole with her so he wouldn’t get even more side tracked.

The Doctor and Missy were nowhere to be seen as they arrived back in the Vault. Though the giggling coming from the bathroom was a quick give away. Bill knocked on the door whilst Nardole emptied the bag onto the table. It opened to reveal a slightly sodden Doctor, who seemed a little happier than earlier. “Hello Bill!” He greeted her cheerfully, ignoring Missy’s increasing laughter. “Dinner’s on the table. What’s going on?”

“Helped give Missy a bath so at least she would be more comfortable. Of course she took great joy in splashing me as much as she could.”

“Are her bandages done?” They both jumped as Nardole snuck up behind them.

“Yes Nardole, we’ll be out in a second.” He shut the door.

When the two did finally emerge, Bill tried her hardest to stop sniggering. The Doctor, hair sticking up at all angles, was carrying Missy bridal style over to the table. Missy was wearing a purple dragon onesie and slippers that were more fluff than slipper.

After dinner, the four settled down for a movie night, as Missy was intent on not sleeping. Nardole and Bill took two of the armchairs. The Doctor sat on one end of the sofa, and Missy was half sitting, half laying across the rest, head on the Doctor’s chest, eating Haribo from the bowl in his lap. The Doctor was equally as fascinated as Nardole with the different Haribo shapes.

On the coffee table in front, a line of gummy bear soldiers was forming, all standing in ranks based on colour. Missy started staging fake battles between them, explaining her tactics in a hushed voice, and mentioning some ‘Time War’ whilst she did it. At the front of her battle field, were two gummy bears, the pineapple ones. They seemed to be leading the others into the battle. The casualties were eaten, until only the two pineapple ones remained. They’d ‘killed’ the most. Missy started quietly crying. The Doctor handed her the last two hearts in the bowl, and kissed her cheek. 

Missy spent the rest of the evening focused on the two gummy bears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The two pineapple gummy bears are supposed to represent the Doctor and Missy. 
> 
> I have way too many exams coming up! Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	6. Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both want the same thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had extra time so here's another chapter. Enjoy. This is the last argument for a while as well. Phoexx

Three films and a lot of Haribo later, Bill was once more alone with Missy. It was close to midnight and she was tired. Missy was lying perfectly still on the sofa, the rag doll sitting on her chest. She had been disturbingly quiet all evening. “Are you ok Missy?” Bill thought she might as well ask, the quiet was getting on her nerves. 

“I don’t know if I actually forgive him or not. I know I said I did, but the more I think about it… He terrified me, and even now I don’t trust him completely.”

“Then why did you lie to me?” The both jumped at the Doctor’s ominous entrance looming over the side of the sofa. “Bloody hell! Are you like Frankenstein or something? When in the middle of the night he just appears next to the guy’s bed?!”He ignored her, scowling a little at Missy.

“You want to have this conversation now? I’m tired!”

“Yes. Yes I do.” She let out an over dramatic sigh meeting his frosty look. 

“If it will cheer you up, fine. Can you at least carry me to bed first?”

“I thought you don’t trust me.”

“Stop being difficult, I’m not in the mood. I will just kill you instead.”

“Well I need you to be honest with me.”

“Honesty, what a pathetic word. Means so little in the universe.”

“Missy.”

“You’re sounding like Nardole and-“

“Missy!” It hadn’t been his plan to end up shouting, but his plan had gone out the window several times already today. She fell silent instantly, frightened. “For once in your lives will you listen to me?” She didn’t say a word.

“This is my mess. I know that, and I’m trying to fix it. I can’t do that if you aren’t honest with me.” The Doctor was getting annoyed with her now, Bill could only imagine how the night would end. “This whole argument started because you weren’t honest with me. And then because you admitted you blamed me? I don’t even know how anyone can possibly reply to that! I need to know the truth. I’ve asked for it several times today, and you keep skirting around it. Like the coward you are. My trust in you is broken because I don’t know anymore if I mean anything to you. My whole life feels worthless, a waste of time. If you blame me for what happened and then can’t seem to make your mind up about the time we’ve spent together, then I want you to leave. And I don’t want you to come back until you’ve decided whether I have any importance, or if I’m just another one of your pets.” The Doctor ran out the Vault.

Nardole carried Missy to bed, but there were no threats, no complaints or snarky comments. The only sound was Nardole’s echoing footsteps. “Do you want to tell me what that was all about?” Bill already knew he was underestimating the enormity of what they’d seen. She sat down on the other side of the bed. If there was anything she’d learnt today (or yesterday as it now was by her watch) it was the only way to get an answer out of Missy was by asking the right question. “You didn’t want him to leave, did you?” Missy shook her head, clearly attempting to keep herself together. Even Bill wasn’t too sure what to say. Knowing why Missy thought he had left, she kept quiet, thinking of something better to say. “You know,” She started, avoiding Nardole’s glances at all costs. “I don’t think he means this.”

“What makes you say that?” It may have been sarcastic, but there was hope.

“We were talking earlier while you were asleep, he told me the honest truth. This isn’t that truth, I promise you.”

“You do realise I am not going to believe you. Regardless of whether you are right, who even knows if I can trust him again. I think he’s embarrassed, doesn’t want to admit to the reckless actions of his past.”

“Do you still, well, you know?” Bill tried to hide her awkwardness.

“More than the universe. Always have, always will. There never has and never will be anyone else. My Lorenly.”

“Your what?”

“Gallifreyan, means soulmate.” Missy yawned and shuffled further under her covers. “Shoo, I want to sleep.” 

Bill left the Vault as quickly as she could, without causing suspicion. The University grounds were eerie at night, the path ahead lit only by the torch on her phone. The Doctor was sitting on a bench and she almost hadn’t noticed him because of his all black outfit. She called over quietly, as to not spook him. It was obvious he didn’t want to be disturbed, but Bill was a firm believer of not being out on your own at gone midnight, in the dark. Or just in the dark in general. She really didn’t like the dark. He smiled as she sat down next to him. It was cold for October, and Bill could see her breath floating off into the night. She thought about how small and insignificant a life was- a distraction from the conversation she was about to have. Fortunately she wasn’t the one to start it. “I don’t know what to do Bill. I’ve messed this up as badly as I could.” She hesitated, staring up at the stars. 

“You two are going in circles. It’s ridiculous.”

“I know, but I’m scared to tell her the truth. You don’t realise what this is about.”

“You’re right, I don’t know the main part of the story, but I will tell you what I do know. Missy is a mess. There is no polite or nicer way of putting it. She needs you, because she Is struggling…”

“I get it. I get it, I do. I’ve been where she’s been and it is hell.”

“Wait. You’ve-“

“Yeah. How do I fix this Bill?”

“It’s simple. You give her what she needs. The truth. If to do that you have to forget what you feel at the moment, then you have to. Missy only wants to know if you’ve ever loved her. Tell me what you need to tell her.”

“That I’m sorry. That what I said to Nardole was a lie. She is my Lorenly and nothing will change that.”

“Was that hard?”

“No.”

“Point proven. If you don’t tell her in the morning, you’re going to lose her forever. I am going to make you do this.”

“Bill you remind me of someone.”

“Who?”

“Somebody who travelled with me for a while. I can’t quite remember, I do usually… She was a teacher, and had a boyfriend called Danny, but I can’t… It’s on the tip of my tongue, right there, the name of my Impossible Girl.” Bill wasn’t entirely sure what to say. “Shall we go inside, you look cold.” The Doctor stood and wrapped his coat around her shoulders. “Come on Bill.”

Bill followed him back through the courtyard, a plan concocting in her head. Because how do you get two Time Lords with communication issues back together, when neither of them are willing to admit they love the other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things will get better.
> 
> The Doctor met Mary Shelley. Ashad inspired Frankenstein. Bill becomes a cyberman. The irony.
> 
> Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including  
> :  
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	7. A dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor remembers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this chapter doesn't make a lot of sense, I apologise, the next chapter will hopefully explain it. It is supposed to be a sort of flashback/dream the Doctor has directly following the events of the last chapter. This was going to be followed by the rest of the chapter, but I've split it up. For some reason. Phoexx

_Theta Sigma was many things. A dreamer, a trouble maker, a rebel, a procrastinator. But right now he was absent-mindedly reading in the libraries of the Capitol, displaying as many of these traits possible. It was mid afternoon, and nearing the end of his shift as assistant librarian, a job Koschei had forced him to unwillingly take. Theta hated it. Being stuck in the same place day in and day out was miserable. Coupled with the fact there were all these good books that needed shelving, books which he wouldn’t ever have a chance to read as only council members were allowed in the library._

_Presently, he was reading a well-thumbed copy of a book about a small planet, a very long way from Gallifrey, called Earth, and the lives of the humans that lived on it. He found it strange, how they looked so similar to Time Lords. Theta contemplated looking into it, but thought Koschei wouldn’t appreciate his ideas. She had thrown his last project in the bin while he was working a few months back. At least the book could provide a distraction from what was planned for the evening. Though he would never admit it to anyone, not even Koschei, he was terrified._

_A bell rung through the cavernous space, signalling the closure of the library, just as the second sun began to dip behind the domed glass roof. Theta placed the book on the shelf and started the ten minute walk it would take to get out. The older parts of the library reminded him of pictures he had seen of the Lux Foundation Library, which was somewhere he planned on visiting at some point. He passed a few colleagues, trying his best not to trip over the hem of his robes. They always teased him about that. Then again , everyone seemed to tease him about something or other._

_Eventually, Theta stepped into the open air. He set off through the Capitol , heading to the outskirts. Today was the biggest day in the Gallifreyan calendar. Most people had the whole day off, and he had to admit, he was a little jealous. Decorations were strung from building to building, the smell of food filled the narrow paths, and street sellers were everywhere. There was music and laughter, robes being fixed and cleaned. Every one needed to look their best._

_On the outskirts, away from most of the festivities, was a small bakery. Theta stepped in and brought a few pastries. He’d been promising Koschei one for weeks. The baker was a young woman by the name of Patience, who always had a new story to tell him. Theta stayed a few minutes longer than usual, chatting about the evening ahead. He would come to regret this decision for the rest of his lives._

_He hurried the rest of the way home, out of the Citadel and across the edge of the Drylands. His and Koschei’s house was the last of those seen as Time Lords, instead of simply Gallifreyans. The small village their house was in was close to the where they’d both grown up, and was one of the few decent places to live._

_He heard Koschei’s screams before he arrived. Theta ran as quickly as he could, charging through the door and stopping dead in his tracks._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed. :-) I'm currently drowning in school work, hence there is no updating schedule for this (just as often as I can). Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including  
> :  
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	8. Realisations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A realisation can be a powerful thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank you to everyone who has supported this so far. Hope you've all had a good week. They say Friday 13th is unlucky, and seriously mine was absolutely chaotic! Oh well, that's 2020 for you.
> 
> I know there's a formatting mistake but for some reason it won't change. 
> 
> Phoexx

It had been four days since what was now referred to as the Gamma Incident. (Gamma being the third letter of the Greek alphabet, and this being the third time something like this was known to have occurred). Missy hadn’t said a word to the Doctor and Nardole was still angry with the pair of them. But the Doctor had spent every minute in the Vault, point blank refusing to leave under any circumstance. He was waiting. Though he wasn’t entirely sure what for, he could feel something was coming. 

Currently, he was standing with his back to the Vault, experimenting with the newly installed settings on his sonic shades. He hadn’t been expecting a small pair of arms to wrap around his chest. “Missy?” The Doctor spun around to face her, wrapping his arms around her unnaturally tiny frame. “I’ve got you, always.” She still didn’t say anything, burying her face in his chest. Her body was wracked with sobs that made his hearts ache. Oh how he would give anything to stop her pain.

The dawning realisation was the worst part. Missy was truly and utterly broken, like he had not seen her since that occasion where she had refused to leave her bedroom for three weeks. And he realised he had no idea what to do.

Bill and Nardole watched from the sofa, unsure as to whether they should be pleased or concerned. Missy, whilst her injuries had healed, looked somehow worse for wear than she had earlier in the week. The Doctor looked absolutely shattered, Bill doubted the last time he had slept. 

She thought that in that moment, they looked every second of their two thousand years, the history between them like a cracked hourglass, spilling its sand for everyone to see. And she could see the rage and the pain behind his eyes. 

She realised in that moment, that they were the two most dangerous and powerful people she would ever meet. And right now they were falling to pieces.

Nardole was tempted to prise her away from the Doctor, but thought that would likely only cause another argument. He was getting sick of those. He thought how insignificant his case against Missy was. There was of course the countless times she had committed genocide, but then he would be acting judgemental. The Doctor had something else. He had a look.

Nardole realised the Doctor looked at Missy the same way he looked at River. A look somewhere in the middle of adoration, love and understanding. Because she is even lonelier than he is.

Missy felt safe. She couldn’t be bothered to care about anyone else, because right now, she felt safe. That was a rare enough phenomenon in itself. The thoughts in her head were quieter, and she could hear the world around her again. Things were always worse this time of year anyway, fireworks and PTSD weren’t the best combination to say the least.  
Missy realised this was different. She realised that no matter the time of year, she needed him. And she needed him more than anything at the moment. 

More than the stars themselves. 

“I’m sorry. I-“ She found herself blurting it out, trying to calm her breathing down a little.

“You have nothing you need to apologise for.” The Doctor said, holding her as tight as he could.

“Please Theta, let me explain.” She felt his surprise at her using his name. “I’ve ignored you for the past few days to test you. Bill suggested that you maybe didn’t mean to leave, so I thought… I thought if you stayed…I…I meant something to you…” Missy cursed her sensitivity, but burrowed into his chest all the same. 

“Missy, you mean everything to me. I’ve told you before.” He felt her nod. 

“Why?” She wiped her face with her sleeve, but didn’t pull away. The Doctor hesitated. It was a difficult question. 

“Why do you think I have?” Not an answer, though better than silence.

“I don’t know! I asked you, not me.”

“You are my oldest and best friend. That is a fact. We’ve been to hell and back so many times together, fought in wars, saved the universe. I regret leaving you on your own so much, but I was scared and...” He paused, feeling himself getting emotional, and shooting a hopeful glance at Bill, who smiled and gave a thumbs up. “And because… Damn it Koschei, because I love you. I always have and I always will, no matter what state either of us are in, no matter where in the universe we are. I need you, and I know you need me. We may have lost our family, but you are still my Lorenly, always and forever.” Both of them now were crying and Nardole was doing his best to hold his tongue.

“I should have saved her. I…”

“No Kos. You can’t think like that. You don’t think there’s anymore in your hearts left to give, do you?” She shook her head. “There is. I know there is. Though what I want to ask you is this. Is there enough room for me as well? That’s if, obviously….” Missy stepped back, taking his hands.

“I can’t forgive you. “

“Nor would I want you to.”

“I love you, it’s pathetic, but I never stopped, even after everything they did to me…”

“I know. I love you too, even though I shouldn’t.” 

“Always and forever?” She kissed him on the cheek.

“Always and forever.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will things work out between them? 
> 
> You'll have to wait and see!
> 
> Love you all! Phoexx
> 
> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


	9. Alyssa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Her name was Alyssa."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovely people! Here's another. Phoexx
> 
> IMPORTANT PLEASE READ
> 
> Some of you may have noticed I have changed my username from Phoenix_Rae_45 to Morgan Lungbarrow. I have also changed my username on FFN (please see end of chapter/ profile). If you see any link left to my old usernames, these won't work. If this does happen, just drop me a comment so I can change it. Thank you. I now need to think of something to sign off my notes with, as I can't use Phoexx anymore. (Open to suggestions, because this is the sort of thing I worry about).
> 
> Should I use html or rich text when publishing? I don't really get the difference.

They stayed hugging for a little while, the Doctor could only imagine what Nardole was going to say. “Do you two want some space?” Bill pocketed her phone, getting up to head to the door. “If you don’t mind, that would nice.” He gave her a thankful smile. She beckoned Nardole out, watching as Missy sat in her armchair and the Doctor next to her. There was no denying they had a lot to talk about, and she was certain having her or Nardole there wouldn’t help. Unfortunately, that now meant she had to deal with Nardole herself. 

They made their way outside, the brisk morning air a shock from the warmth of the Vault, and sat down the same bench Bill had found the Doctor on a few days earlier. The silence was awkward. “Why does he think this is a good idea?” Nardole asked.

“What’s it to you? If there’s one thing I’ve learnt since meeting the Doctor, it’s that life is precious and you never know what will happen tomorrow.”

“Missy is manipulative and dangerous.”

“So you keep saying.”

“She has hurt the Doctor on many occasions.”

“And he has forgiven her.”

“He is here to keep her safe from the universe, and to keep the universe safe from her. He already spends a lot more time with her than he should.”

“Maybe because she needs it.”

“Don’t be ridiculous Bill.”

“Nardole, I’m not. From what I’ve seen, she has issues. As does the Doctor, but things are better when they’re together. And you can’t expect someone to avoid their best friend for a thousand years, it’s just not feasible.” Nardole was dismissive. “Ah, I see.” She continued. “You don’t believe Missy can be anything other than murderous or manipulative.”

“Well, she spent the first six months here constantly trying to kill me and screaming her head off.”

“You know the phrase ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover’?”

“The Doctor is an absolute idiot. I need answers from him.”

“Everyone knows Nardole, everyone knows.” Thankfully her phone vibrated in her pocket.

SPACE GRANDDAD: Can you come down? Bring snacks and tissues.  
THEGAYCHIP: Why?  
SPACE GRANDDAD: Trust me, and bring Nardole. Tell Nardole WTF  
THEGAYCHIP: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS????  
SPACE GRANDDAD: Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Bill, I was trying to be cool.  
THEGAYCHIP: That is NOT what that means.  
SPACE GRANDDAD: Oh…. Missy’s laughing, should I be concerned?  
THEGAYCHIP: This is like that time you thought LMAO meant Lemons, melons, apples and oranges.  
SPACE GRANDDAD: We don’t talk about that….  
THEGAYCHIP: :-)  
  
“The Doctor says Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, for some reason.”

“Looks like we might finally get some answers.”

When Bill and Nardole closed the door behind them, Missy felt herself instantly relax. “You know.” She began, running a hand through her hair. “I think we need to talk to them.”

“What about?”

“What Dr Eggman here seems to be so intent on badgering you about. How I’m pregnant, and the other thing… Not what as such, I still haven’t told you, but well…” The Doctor groaned, staring at the floor. “What’s wrong Thete.” She moved off the armchair and onto the sofa next to him.

“I don’t want you getting hurt.”

“This is my idea, and I’m in control. It’ll be fine, now tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Are you being nice?”

“No.”

“You are.”

“No. I’m not. Don’t know what could possibly put you under that impression.” She grinned foolishly.

“I don’t want it to destroy my relationship with Bill and Nardole will have my head.”

“Doctor dear, you’ve told Bill about when you attacked me, and she’s still here. That’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to me. Everything else isn’t your fault. And Nardole is Nardole. You don’t want to think about it, do you.” The Doctor shook his head, pulling Missy closer.

“I feel so guilty about it.”

“I know, I do too and I was there. But this time we have each other.”

“We did last time. That ended splendidly.”

“Oh stop being an arse will you? This time we have something else as well.” Missy took his hand away from his face, resting it under hers on her stomach. “I’m pregnant. You are going to be a dad again, and we have to focus on that. I’m petrified, but there is no one I would rather do this with. Text your pets and get them down here.”

“But-“ She shot him an evil glare. He texted Bill straight away.

Ten minutes later and they were all sitting around the coffee table. Missy was nursing a cup of tea, wishing herself to stop shaking. The Doctor sat next to her, one arm around her waist, the other holding her free hand. Nardole and Bill were opposite on armchairs and the rag doll was on the table (along with five packs of biscuits, a pot of tea, the box from a few days ago and a small chest).

“Go on then, why did you bring us back?” Nardole had to be the first to start this, of course he did. The Doctor gave Missy a reassuring glance, talking to her telepathically, to try and calm her nerves. “So, you wanted answers. And I’m prepared to give them. Ask away Scrambled.” ‘Scrambled’ seemed a little taken aback by this, struggling to work out what he wanted to say. “How are you pregnant?” She should have seen this one coming, though still wasn’t ready.

“You don’t have to do this Missy.” The Doctor said again.

“I know, but I need to.” She took a few deep breaths. “I’ll keep this brief, for all our sakes. One thousand eight hundred and fifty years ago, I escaped from a hospital, which was sort of a prison and had drugged me up to my eyeballs with Rassilon knows what. I’d been there for one hundred and fifty years, kept in isolation, complete sensory deprivation. Anyway, I don’t want to think about that. I got out, and I went home. By some amazing coincidence he was there, because apparently on that day every year he went home, and sat in the kitchen for a few hours. I didn’t know why, I was so confused and angry why he hadn’t come to visit and… And I broke down there and then. I know why now, and i hate myself for it. We spent the evening together, had a little too much to drink and…. I’m sure you can fill in the gaps. I woke up the next morning, and the conditioning from the hospital kicked in, so I left and did the one thing I thought would break it… I left him sleeping, and went to the kitchen… I did it the only way that seemed right…” Missy’s voice was laced with pain. “A couple of months ago, to celebrate the end of the school year, we had takeout. We sat curled up on the sofa and I had….Impure thoughts. That’s the best way to word it. When I regenerated, I was pregnant. Only from the night before, but pregnant all the same. I haven’t been a woman since, until now. What I didn’t know, was that zygote, if you could even call it that, was being kept in my body. Waiting. Simply waiting until it was ready. The impure thoughts managed to activate it. That’s how we got to the position we’re in now. ” For the first time ever Nardole was totally speechless.

“You left that part out of your story Doctor!” Bill was clearly surprised.

“I didn’t know. Why am I always a few minutes late?” He suddenly burst into floods of tears, and it was terrifying. 

The Doctor took a minute to compose himself, this was obviously bringing up a good few scars. “I know now is not the best time, but I have questions…” Bill cocked her head at the items of the table. “Another time Bill, another time.” The Doctor went to leave, but Missy pulled him back.

“The doll. I will tell you about the doll.” She picked it up, holding it against her chest. “The Doctor bought it a long, long time ago. You asked you he bought it for? And why it is so important to me? That’s because he bought it for our daughter, when she was born. It went everywhere with her, she loved it more than anything we got her. Then…….Sorry I can’t do this.” Missy grabbed the tissue box frantically dabbing her eyes. 

“What happened?” Nardole asked.

“No, wrong question. What was her name?” Bill took Missy’s other hand.

“Alyssa. Her name was Alyssa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't really think of anything useful to put in the notes, so I'll have a think over night. As always feedback makes my day! Phoexx


	10. He knows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> IMPORTANT:
> 
> T/W self harm
> 
> I wrote this after reading a comment by cyborg_goddess. This is the Doctor's inner monologue. Maybe this will give you an idea of what he saw.
> 
> Also i did only write this in 10 minutes...
> 
> Morganxx

Theta was sitting on the small sofa under the window, in their bedroom. It was a warm autumn morning, and the street below was full of joyful children. They were smiling, playing all manner of games. Their parents sat in the doorways of the houses, drinking tea and laughing amongst themselves. They didn’t know. They didn’t care. She was gone, her friends were gone. His Alyssa was dead on what was the biggest day of her life.

He hated the families that were still whole.

He hated the grinning children.

He hated her friends, who had gone off for initiation, never to know, never to question. They knew this would happen. They knew  
.  
Koschei knew. That was the bit that hurt. She knew this would-

But how, how could she know something like that?

And if only he had been home a few minutes earlier. 

If only he hadn’t stayed talking to Patience.

Rassilon, he really hated himself right now.

Their neighbours had laughed. Told them it was their own fault. They should have listened.

They didn’t ask for their daughter to be killed.

No one asks for that.

How easy it would be to end it all right now.

But Koschei.

Screw Koschei!

No.

No.

No.

Koschei needs him. He knows that.

But he’s scared to death. What the hell does he do now.

Koschei hasn’t even told him what happened.

He wants to know. 

No.

He bangs his head on the window frame, and dreams of burning it all down, standing there in the rubble, saying “I did this, teach you to mess with my family!”

No.

He’s a coward. Could never go through with that.

Grief. The worst word to ever exist.

Everyone thinks they know what it means.

They don’t.

Loss hurts. More than anything…

Koschei needs him. 

Koschei needs him.

Koschei needs him.

And with every slowing beat of his heart, he knows he has to.

Or the medics will take her.

So he does the only thing he can do. He picks up the knife and goes downstairs.

A little relief. 

No.

There is no relief to grief.

He knows that now.

He knows that, sitting in a pool of blood in the kitchen.

He knows that she isn’t coming back.

He knows.

No.

No. 

It isn’t fair.

And he screams and cries until his lungs are hoarse.

Life is short.

Life is futile.

Life is death.

He promises himself one thing.

To be kind, for her.

To never be cruel, or cowardly, for her.

For her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all!
> 
> Morganxx


	11. She worries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Missy worries about the Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!!
> 
> I know not all of this chapter makes sense. It isn't supposed to as it is from the perspective of Missy's mind. Angst and fluff (and a little rushed ending because I ran out of time). 
> 
> This takes place directly after chapter 9. xx

“I’m sorry.” Nardole said, genuinely unsure as to what to say.

“Don’t be. It was two thousand years ago.” The Doctor tried to get up, but once more Missy pulled him back into his seat. “You’re staying here.”

“I need the toilet!”

“Don’t lie to me, I’m not stupid. And thank you Nardole, whilst the idiot next to me may not be able to appreciate it, I do.” Nardole nodded politely, heading to refill the drinks.

“I don’t even know what to say.” It took a lot to make Bill awkward.

“No one ever does Bill, they never have and they never will.” Again the Doctor moved, but this time Missy slapped him on the arm. “Will you stop trying to leave?”

“I don’t want to be here!”

“Well, tough! We are having a conversation with Bill. Sit still, you sound like a toddler.”

“I do not.”

“Bastard.”

“That was uncalled for Missy!”

“Have you two finished?” Nardole returned with more tea.

“Oh shut up Nardole!” She turned her back to him defiantly.

They drank their next cup of tea in an uneasy quiet, the air clouded by the revelations Missy had made. After a while, she kicked Nardole and Bill out, needing the silence.   
Her thoughts were loud, too loud for comfort, and so she did the only thing she could think clearly enough to do. Placing her tea back on the table, she walked over to the empty corner of the Vault and sat slumped down against the wall, staring out the window. “Koschei? Can I use that name? What’s wrong?” Of course he had to come over, but it was too loud to hear what he was saying, like her head was under water.

His hand on hers, then it was gone.

Her fist and his cheek, then it was gone.

Her foot and his leg, then it was gone.

Her screams.

Her yells.

Her waterfall of tears.

Then they were gone.

Missy opened her eyes to see Nardole standing over her. She lashed out at him immediately, wanting him to get out her face. He did, and she could hear him trying to tell her to calm down, that there was nothing to worry about. She couldn’t understand what he was saying. He had to be lying, there was, there was-

The conditioning. The implants they had tortured her with. They were back. And she resisted the urge to start crying. She was alone, and then she wasn’t. And she was….  
The next thing Missy remembered was a sharp sting of pain in her head. The Doctor was hurting. And he needed her. With pregnancy making her psychic responses stronger than usual, it was unbearable. Nardole didn’t believe her, which in retrospect wasn’t a surprise. She clubbed him with her umbrella and ran out the door. 

It had been a long time since she had tasted the air, and in an instant she was completely overwhelmed. It was a Monday, and students were doing loud studenty things all around. It was too much. But she had to find him. 

The Doctor was a firm believer in peace. This wasn’t a belief he carried through into his relationship with Missy. For his own safety these days, if nothing else. He knew what was the cause, and knew they would have to ride this one out. When Missy decided to punch him in the face (which was completely his own fault), he had no choice but to go into self-defence mode. The end result was the two of them bruised and bleeding, Missy crying in the corner. All to stop her from hurting herself. And she wouldn’t even remember it happening. 

Nardole came down as soon as he pressed the emergency alarm button. The Doctor knew he was in for a telling off later, but instead hurried up to his office. Missy had called him a coward, and in that moment he agreed. He had no idea what to do with her. 

Bill was waiting as he stormed through the door, collapsing into his chair, talking to the photos on his desk. “You alright?” She asked, peering over her laptop.

“I…I…”

“She hurt you, didn’t she.” The Doctor nodded, ashamed that he couldn’t even say that out loud. “Wait there, I’ll grab a first aid kit.” Bill entered the TARDIS, returning a few minutes later. “Is Nardole right?”

“What do you mean?” She sat down opposite him, taking out some plasters.

“He thinks I’m being stupid and this is wrong, and that-“

“Whoa, slow down Doctor. Missy needs help right now, you both do and you can’t blame yourself for that. You love her, I can see that clear as day, and she loves you.”

“It is my fault though, all of this.”

“How?”

“Alyssa died because I was late home. I was too busy talking to a woman in a bakery buying her and Kosc-Missy some pastries they’d been asking for, and when I got home… I dread to imagine what happened to her. We never got her body. Or a funeral. My actions led to this Bill, you can’t deny it.”

“Regardless of whether they were a factor, it wasn’t intentional, and you couldn’t have known. It still bothers you, doesn’t it.”

“It hurts Bill, it hurts so much. There are only five people who I’ve told about this. You, Nardole, River, Patience, and Susan, though neither of them were out of choice. Missy is the only person who knows what happened and half the time, her brain is trying to protect her by repressing the memories. It saved her life, even though it wasn’t a choice she made. I have no one. No one who understands.”

“You have us now, Doctor. You always will.” There was a sudden knock on the door, and Nardole ran in. He had a nasty black eye, and a terrified expression. 

“Sir, Missy’s escaped!” 

“What? Nardole, you better tell me exactly what’s going on this second!” He was up on his feet, and grabbed his coat. 

“She knocked me out, wanted to speak to you, I wouldn’t let her.” The Doctor kicked the fireplace, but the anger quickly became fear. 

“Ok, we need to find her. She is vulnerable.”

“Where do we start?” Bill pulled her head back in from outside the window “She’s not out front.”

There was a second knock on the door mere seconds later. “Thank Rassilon! There’s only one person who knocks like that.” He opened the door, catching Missy in his arms.

That evening, Missy was sitting in bed, the Doctor on the sofa next to her. It was getting late and after the day they’d had, he was tired. She hadn’t said a word to him, but she was practically glowing with embarrassment. He did feel a little guilty, after all it was his doing. “Missy, what do you need?” There was no reply, she continued staring blankly ahead. “Koschei, please let me help. I’m running out of ideas here. I’m not angry with you, I promise.” Again, she didn’t say a word, until just as the Doctor was about to fall asleep. “Cuddle.” It was so quiet, you could be forgiven for not hearing her at all. 

“What was that Kos?”

“Cuddle.” 

“You want a hug?” She gave him a tiny nod. The Doctor walked to the other side of the bed and sat down, before pulling her in as close as he dared. 

“Sorry.”

“What for?”

“I could feel you hurting, I wanted to help. I should have stayed here.”

“You were right, I was hurting, but the fact that you wanted to help, that means a lot.” There was a murmur of agreement. “Get some sleep Kos, you barely have recently.” He gently moved away, pulling her duvet over her. “Theta?”

“Yeah.”

“Will you stay?” The Doctor tried to hide his smile as he climbed under the covers. Missy rested her head on his chest, curled in his arms with a content sigh. It felt like home.

They both held the rag doll tight, and fell asleep dreaming of their little girl in happier times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise to include more fluff soon. xx


	12. When four hearts became eight (pt1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nardole begins to realise something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I know it's been a week since I've updated, but it has been hectic! Had my birthday amongst other things. So sorry about the delay. This was originally going to be one long chapter, but I thought I would break it down. So there's a cliffhanger. It's also late and I haven't proof read. Oh well. Morganxx

The Doctor hadn’t had a proper nights sleep in over a year, so to hear Nardole yelling at him, while he was still asleep, wasn’t appreciated. “Sir! Wake up! Sir!” 

“What? Nardole? Seriously…..I’m sleeping?”

“This is plain naughty Doctor, plain naughty. Why would you do this?”

“Now what have I done?” He went to sit up, but then it dawned on him. Missy was still laying half on top of him, sound asleep. “Ah, I see.” The Doctor turned to face him and Bill, as  
he was unable to get up. “For goodness sake Nardole, it isn’t like we both aren’t fully clothed or anything.”

“You can’t do this sir, you can’t.”

“Again with the ‘can’ts’! I don’t see why there is an issue.”

“It’s simple sir. You two can’t be together. It will destroy the both of you.”

“I wouldn’t do something if I didn’t feel able to.”

“Yes you would, that’s what you’ve always done. Not caring how self-destructive it may be.”

“We need each other. That’s a fact.”

“And after the conversations I have had with Bill, I don’t deny that. Though there must be a better way to do this!”

“Why does there have to be?”

“She attacked you yesterday! I fail to see how you could even take her back like this, let alone believe she can have a kid. And before you say anything, I don’t care if you’ve had a child before, this is now, and right now she can’t even look after herself properly.” The Doctor took a moment, as to not lose his temper and wake Missy. 

“She wants to be a mum.” He said, voice breaking a little. “In fact, I think she’s wanted kids since I met her, and that was a long time ago.”

“That changes nothing. Neither of you are in the mental state. Do I need to remind you of what happened last month?”

“Nardole, do me a favour and shut up.”

“No.”

“Not this again! Please, I am trying to keep everyone happy, but it isn’t easy.”

“And I am trying to tell you why you shouldn’t be sleeping with a mentally unstable psychopath.”

“I love her. That’s why, and there is nothing else to say about it.”

“This is going to destroy you.”

“You know, maybe you’re right. Maybe this will finally be the thing that breaks me, because that hasn’t happened before?! My daughter is dead, and I don’t know how, and it wouldn’t surprise me if I never do. At the time, I didn’t know what on Gallifrey I was supposed to do. She was dead, Missy had lost the baby she was pregnant with and I was stuck in the middle. Angry. So angry. But you know what? That didn’t break me, because I knew she would need me. Or what about the war, the war where I killed so many people? The war where I became a monster? But you know what? I’m still here. I don’t know how, but I’m still here. Then there was Rose, and Donna, Martha, Amy, Rory, River, and.. And… “ He sighed, taking a deep breath. “I know this is probably going to destroy me. I know that, but I’m willing to take that risk. For her. Always for her.”

“Missy was pregnant again?” Bill’s voice was far calmer than his own.

“Yeah. It’s tradition on Gallifrey to have your second child when your first leaves for the Academy. We both wanted a big family, but didn’t want society to turn against us anymore than they already had. It was a boy. On the rare occasions Missy can remember, she tends to try and forget he existed.”

“You two really have been through hell. See Nardole, you don’t always understand everything.”

Nardole had gone unnaturally quiet. “Miles. We were going to name him Miles.” Missy whispered, nearly silent. 

“Hello, how long have you been awake?” The Doctor brushed her hair to one side, but concern immediately flashed across his face. “You really don’t look well Missy, do you feel alright?”

“Perfectly fine, thank you very much.”

“You know, I don’t believe you in the slightest.”

“Then why did you ask? And I’m fine.”

“You are white as a sheet, trembling, you look exhausted and are freezing.”

“For the last time, I’m fine! Just go already! You have a lecture to get to.”

“You’re more important than any lecture.”

“I simply need rest, I’ll be alright later.”

“Ok, if you’re sure. I was planning on taking you out later, if you felt able to.”

“We’ll see. Please leave me be.”

“Koschei-“

“Oh, so we’re bringing out the names now are we? What don’t you understand about go away?” The Doctor sighed again, this time in defeat, and eased himself from under Missy, who hid under the duvet. “Nardole, keep an eye on her. She’s hiding something.”

At 9:30, Nardole decided to try and coax Missy out of bed for breakfast, hoping at least that way she might talk to the Doctor when he came back later. “Missy, there are some scrambled eggs on the table?” There was no reply. “You need to get up at some point, you can’t just lay in bed all day.”

“I can, and I will. Leave me alone.”

“Nardole, I would probably listen to her…” After what went on yesterday, Bill wasn’t too keen on the idea of taking any risks. He muttered something under his breath, and made his way into the kitchen. “Should I listen to him Bill?”

“The Doctor’s right, you look ill. I personally wouldn’t.”

“I’ll give it a try.” She carefully sat up and swung her feet onto the floor. 

Unfortunately, Bill wasn’t quick enough to stop what happened next. Her legs gave way beneath her, and she fell, hitting her head on the bedside table with a sickening thud and falling unconscious. Bill screamed for Nardole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens next? Predictions and suggestions welcome. But I will say this. The Doctor isn't impressed.
> 
> cyborg_goddess- more biology nerdy stuff in the next chapter as well. xx


	13. When four hearts become eight (pt2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth hurts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!
> 
> Yes I changed the name of the last chapter and therefore this one.
> 
> This is a big chapter, both in length and content.
> 
> This also got a little darker than planned so:
> 
> Warnings: 
> 
> Implied sexual abuse  
> Self harm  
> Mentions of bulimic behaviours (does that make sense?)
> 
> Lovexx

There was a sharp pain in Missy’s head. That was the first thing she noticed. Then she noticed the pain in her chest, and in her stomach. But the world was black. She opened her eyes with a moan, unappreciative of the bright lights around her. There was a beeping, like the drums. But it couldn’t be the drums. A hear monitor? At least that’s what it sounded like. And what was that on her face? “Koschei? Koschei, can you hear me?” Theta. Of course it was. And he was talking in Gallifreyan. She must be nervous. Maybe that was the pain in her chest. Her head felt foggy, and the hum of a TARDIS was grating. At least that gave away where she was. The med bay presumably, which meant he knew. 

Theta always knew.

“I….I want….to go home.” She managed to say, mind beginning to clear.

“I know Kos, but you aren’t well. Do you remember what happened?” She shook her head, tears silently falling. 

“Please, you don’t understand…I can’t stay here!”

“No one’s going to hurt you, I promise.”

“Please….” The Doctor squeezed her hand, wanting to keep her calm. 

“You collapsed. You hit your head, and have been completely out of it for six hours. We took you to the med bay, and you’ve been here ever since. I know you can’t stand it, but I wouldn’t keep you here if I didn’t think it necessary.” He reached to remove the oxygen mask, and wiped the tears from her cheeks. 

“No…..Get off me!!” The Doctor backed off instantly, she seemed terrified. 

“Are you ok?” Missy ignored him, screwing her eyes shut. 

“What’s going on?” They both jumped as Nardole came in, bearing tea, and followed closely by a nervous Bill. 

“Leave it Nardole. Missy focus on me, you’re going to be fine. What’s bothering you?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know what you’ve been doing to yourself, and I’m not angry, I promise.”

“Shut up… Please shut up…” But he didn’t. Because he’s the Doctor, and he has the biggest mouth in the universe. He did though turn off the heart monitor, which cleared her head a little. “Missy, I want to help. I know you think it’s pointless, you always have. But I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.” Missy opened her eyes once more, and met his smile.  
“My father. My father and his hands.” The Doctor looked puzzled. She sighed, rolling her eyes weakly. “I’ll show you.” No sooner had she sent her thoughts over, he broke the link, stepping back in obvious shock. “Koschei… I never thought…. I mean, I knew he hurt you, but I never thought like that….”

“I don’t want your sympathy. And I’m really surprised you never questioned that may have been the case.”

“We were young, I didn’t understand…. Wouldn’t have even known what it was if you had told me.”

“Exactly.” Missy let out a sudden cry of pain, clutching her stomach. “Why do I hurt so much?”

“Your chest hurts because I had to…. I had to resuscitate you, the… Sorry I need a minute.” And with that he ran out the room. 

“Did he?” Missy asked, sounding upset.

“Yes, Missy he did, and I’ve never seen him quite so frightened. He thought you were gone.” Nardole appeared next to her, voice serious. 

“I’m sorry….”

When the Doctor still hadn’t returned five minutes later, Nardole set off to find him. The TARDIS seemed to want to help him, which was a bonus. He opened the door to the Doctor’s room, not expecting to see the sight in front of him. The Doctor was punching the wall with as much force as he could muster, sobbing violently. “Sir? Sir!” Nardole quickly pulled him away, he was stronger than he looked after all the times he’d had to restrain Missy. “Sir, please stop, you’re bleeding.”

“Do I look like I care, Nardole? Let me go!”

“No sir, I won’t. This is just what I was talking about this morning. You can’t tell me I’m not right, when you are self destructing right this second!”

“Nardole, don’t you dare!”

“Why? Doctor, after everything, why?”

“Because maybe I don’t care if I self destruct! Because maybe I need her more than anything! That we need each other to keep going! I would far rather die next year after being with her than spend the next nine hundred years unable to even talk to her! Do you understand? I will happily self destruct because that’s what I deserve! That’s what has been waiting for me after everything I’ve done. It will be the only thing that will kill me. Myself. That’s the truth, it always has been and always will, and if Missy speeds that up for a few years than so be it. Because at least that way I will have made someone happy, the only person who understands me. The universe is lonely Nardole, more than you will ever understand. I have regrets, more regrets than anyone else alive, and I have more grief and more anger. You know a lot of what I’ve done, but by no means it all. Not even River came close.” Nardole didn’t know what to say, but was grateful he had stopped trying to attack anything in reach, and was sitting on the side of the bed. “There’s more to this than that though, isn’t there.” 

“Nardole, it doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does. You need to look after yourself too.”

“Ok.”

“Ok?”

“You want to know what’s wrong? Well, how about this. I don’t know how the hell I’m going to tell the love of my fucking lives that she is probably going to die, if she continues with her pregnancy. How am I supposed to tell her that? No one ever wants to hear anything like that, and I question whether or not she is even going to be able to cope. And then there’s what she showed me, and it makes so much sense, but I hate myself for not picking up on it. In fact, I hate myself for not picking up on any of this. We shouldn’t have even been in this position in the first place, not if I’d had been paying attention to her.”

The Doctor returned to the med bay half an hour later, after running through everything he had to say several times. Missy was curled up on her side, every few seconds letting out a small noise in pain, whenever she took a breath. “Missy? I’m going to keep my distance, but I need you to stay on your back love, so you don’t do yourself anymore damage.”

“It hurts, feels like my insides are being torn to shreds.”

“I know. I can get you some pain relief, but I do really need you to turn back over.” She did eventually comply, but not without complaint. 

“No pain relief, not unless I’m home.” 

“You sure?” She nodded.

“You’re going to ask me what happened, aren’t you.”

“I’m afraid so. However if you do talk to me, I can take you back to the Vault sooner.” He took her hand, catching Nardole giving encouraging smiles in the corner of his eye. “When was the last time you ate a decent meal?”

“Last night, with you. Egg gave me a cheese and ham Panini.”

“Koschei...” She sighed, and took a moment to answer.

“About two weeks ago. I’m sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise, what’s happened, happened. All that matters now is where we go next. Why haven’t you eaten?”

“I did it instead of cutting…I…I wanted you to no longer have to check me every week, so I found something else.”

“Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“I thought you would get angry. I know it’s pathetic.”

“It isn’t pathetic, not in the slightest. You need to start eating though.”

“I know.”

“And I’m not going to let you back to the Vault until you have proved to me that you will eat. I will also be keeping a closer eye on you, so you don’t throw up what you’ve eaten. Is that fair?”

“You sound like Borusa.”

“I only want to keep you safe and alive. You’re already badly under weight from the whole ordeal with the Monks. Not only that but being pregnant takes up means you’re going to need to eat more regardless. I’m doing this because I love you Kos, not because of anything else. Will you do what I need you to?” 

“Yeah… I don’t want to die anymore…” Missy burst into tears, the Doctor could only imagine how painful crying with four broken ribs was. 

“I’ve got you Kos, always and forever.”

He gave her some time to collect her thoughts before moving on to perhaps what was the more pressing of the two things he had to mention. “Missy? I’m afraid there’s something else I need to tell you.” Her eyes were still red raw as she turned to face him. “Rassilon, I don’t even know how to say this.”

“What?”

“While you were asleep, I did an ultrasound, so I could try and work out what was causing you to be so ill. Of course, half of it is the lack of food, but the other half is…. It’s twins Koschei. I don’t know how. But you’re pregnant with twins.”

“Is that not a good thing?” Bill realised as she said this, that it probably wasn’t, judging by the look on Missy’s face.

“Explain it to them.” She said. “I need a minute.” Bill turned to face the Doctor, who ran a hand awkwardly through his hair. 

“What’s so bad about this?” She felt she shouldn’t ask.

“Time Lords can’t have twins. It just doesn’t happen.”

“Why?”

“Our bodies can’t handle it. The telepathic demands are too great, and the physical effects too dangerous. It leaves the mum severely ill and spending the best part of an eleven month pregnancy in excruciating pain, often unable to move or sometimes even speak because the demand is too much. Biologically, the health of the baby takes priority, but this natural instinct is simply dangerous. To top it off, Time Lords are always supposed to maintain their image, so things like pregnancy bumps have been gradually changed. Because Missy’s genes were selected as she was loom born, she won’t show a pregnancy bump until the tenth month. It was a fail safe given to most of the children of noble houses, in case they did do the forbidden and get themselves pregnant, they would only need to be hidden for a month, reducing suspicion and saving reputations. This means that the bump grows inwards, which is, as you can imagine painful enough as it is. Now imagine two babies growing in a womb only supposed to carry one generally, with the added issue of having no space to grow. When Missy said it felt like her insides are being torn to shreds, that’s because they literally are. Of the ten recorded cases of twins, all were because of a similar situation to the one Missy is in, with one already fertilised egg. Two were born safely, two died before birth, and the remaining six, both mother and babies died. There are likely other cases, but these would have been aborted illegally.”

“There must have been a few sperm frozen with the egg, and I must have been mid cycle when it decided to continue.” Missy spoke in barely a whisper.

“I don’t need that image!” Bill cried.

“What do we do Theta?”

“I can’t tell you that. This is your body. I will support you no matter what you choose.” She thought to herself, weighing up the options.

“I want to find a way to keep them, there has to be something we can do.”

“Ok, if that’s what you want. I can look into it.”

“But I want you to promise that my health takes priority. Screw what’s meant to happen, if you have to intervene to keep me alive then do so.”

“I will, I promise.” He kissed her hand, holding back yet more tears.

“We’re a family. Not in the normal terms, but a family all the same. I’m not going to throw that away.”

“I love you Koschei.”

“I love you too, Theta.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was hard to write...
> 
> I'm saying that Time Lords after a certain point in pregnancy can't regenerate.
> 
> Are the twins girl and girl, boy and girl, or boy and boy? 
> 
> I'm proud of this, even if you don't usually leave a comment, it would mean a lot if you did on this one. xx


	14. A knock on the door

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! xx

Alyssa bounded down the narrow stairs of their little house, through the living room and into the kitchen. “Mum! Mum! Look at me!” She gave a twirl in her robes, grinning.  
“Wow, darling! You look beautiful! Are you excited?” Koschei placed the recipe book she was reading back on the worktop and pulled her into a hug. “I’m proud of you Al, I really am.”

“Thanks Mum. When’s Dad going to be home?”

“He’ll be back before you have to leave, don’t worry. Now let me check your belt fits.”

“You’ve checked five times already!”

“I know, but you need to look your best, you’re a Prydonian.” Alyssa sighed, and brushed her hair from her face. “I don’t want to leave.”

“It’ll be worth it, you’ll make loads of friends. I met your father on initiation day!”

“It’s scary. I don’t want to run away.”

“You wouldn’t be the first in the family to. How you react doesn’t matter, regardless of what the other kids say.” Koschei tied the golden belt in a neat bow, and started rummaging through the cupboards. “Fancy helping me decorate these cakes?”

“Don’t you need to get ready?”

“You’ll be collected in two hours, we’ll have time. Uncle Brax should be here soon, as will your Grandmother. We might as well give them cake.”

“And Dad will-“

“He should be back in no more than half an hour. Or I’ll send Brax after him. That usually works.”

“You don’t like Uncle Brax, do you.”

“No, but you wouldn’t be here without him, so I do have that to thank him for.”

“You sound sad. ” She took Koschei’s hand, her youthful innocence painfully clear.

“I am a little, because you’re leaving. But it’s ok to be sad when someone you love goes away.” She pulled her daughter into a suffocating hug. 

“Mum, you are going to crease my robes. And Miles is kicking again.”

The knock on the door made them both jump. “Is that Dad?” Koschei stepped into the living room and moved slowly to the door. 

“Just stay in the kitchen a second Al.” There was something off about that knock, she could feel it. 

“Why?”

“Al, please.” Koschei’s hands fumbled with the lock, praying to the Gods it was only Theta. This was Alyssa’s day, and she wanted it to be perfect. Theta had a key. As did Brax. Shit. Koschei peaked around the door, opening it as far as she dared.

Koschei screamed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Totally haven't made Theta and Koschei's house in Sims....
> 
> Who was at the door? 
> 
> This is the same day as Theta returning from the library xx


	15. Her name in the sand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So this chapter isn't supposed to exist, but as I haven't updated for a week and haven't finished the actual next chapter, here's something for the mean time

Theta and Koschei stood at the top of Capitol hill, named after it’s views directly across to the Capitol. They’d been standing there for a while, staring blankly out at the horizon, neither of them knowing exactly what to do. Time Lord funerals were traditionally held a month after the passing, as this was believed to be the time it would take for someone to piece themselves back together. 

It had been a month since Alyssa had been murdered, but there was no funeral.

You can’t have a funeral without a body. That’s what they had been told by the local Cardinal. Koschei had fought and fought, yet he wouldn’t change his mind. So now, the two of them stood atop the hill, doing it the only way they could.

Koschei was holding Alyssa’s rag doll, Theta, her golden necklace. Her name written in the sand, and they were praying. Anyone who walked past wouldn’t realise that two parents were saying goodbye to their daughter. There was no way they would- what was going on was technically illegal.

The tears started as the second sun began to dip below the horizon. Koschei cried and cried, curled up in a ball on the ground. But Theta simply stood, still staring blankly ahead, wishing he was living the life of a stranger.

“I give up.” Theta snapped out of his daydream as Koschei started to walk down the hill.

“Kos! Wait!” He called after her, catching up half way down.

“No Theta, not Kos, or Koschei. That isn’t my name anymore.” He went deadly pale.

“So what is your name?”

“I am the Master.”

“I thought you were only joking about that.”

“No. I am the Master, you are the Doctor. If you can’t understand that, then we have a serious issue!”

“Kos-“

“Stop it! Please! I can’t deal with you right now!”

“Master, I only want to help.”

“So you keep saying.”

“Talk to me, that’s all I ask.”

“You want to know what happened? Well I’ll tell you what happened. I lost my sanity. I lost control of the voices in my head and there is nothing you can do to bring me back. Koschei is gone. Koschei died with Al, and she is never coming back. And if you even had a brain, you would know that right now, I need to get off this godforsaken planet, before I go insane. Before I lose it for good. Before you lose me. I can’t grieve for my own children here, and whilst you may be able to bottle it up, I can never do that.” He didn’t try and stop her running off into the sunset.

The next morning, Theta woke up to find Koschei snuggled next to him like normal. Like yesterday hadn’t even happened. He hadn’t asked her what she’d done, and she hadn’t asked him. The outburst wasn’t mentioned again.

The only knowledge the other had of what went on was the two headlines on the front page of the Prydonian Daily.

*Head of Oakdown house brutally murdered, body missing*

And

*Popular bakery arson attack*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the question, who did what?
> 
> Next chapter- It's bonfire night, so Missy decides to terrorize Nardole, for fun of course.
> 
> Chapter 16 will probably be out Saturday. Sorry it's taken so long. Stopped everything to do something a little Christmassy, back to normal soon. Proud of what the next one is as well. xx


	16. The handkerchief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor didn't realise how little Missy had of Alyssa. So he tries to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! It's been a while, but it's also been Christmas. Hope you all have had a good holiday season whether you celebrate or not. xx
> 
> Time jump of about a week or so

“I want to go see the fireworks.” Missy announced one morning at breakfast. The Doctor meanwhile tried his best not to choke and spill his cereal, glancing back at her suspiciously. “I’m being serious Doctor! You never let me do anything fun!”

“Yeah there’s probably a reason for that.” Nardole muttered, squealing at Missy’s well aimed kick under the table. 

“Please don’t start, do you realise how much stress the two of you have put me under recently?”

“It hasn’t been my fault!” She cried, kicking Nardole again.

“Some of it has Missy. Anyway, why do you want to go see the fireworks?”

“Because I’m bored stuck in here all day.”

“You hate the noise though.”

“Right now, that’s the least important thing my brain is trying to process. Please Doctor, I need cheering up.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“That always means no! Please! I’ll be on my best behaviour, I promise. And I’ve been working hard this last week!”

“You have, and I’m proud of you, but I don’t want that work to be undone.” He kissed her on the cheek and returned to his meal, hoping the topic was laid to rest. Unfortunately, it was only two minutes before it resurfaced, though this time from a different direction. “I don’t get what’s so bad about this.” Bill said, ignoring the seething irritation the Doctor was now showing. “Apart from the obvious risk she poses to the universe, what else is there to it?” The others at the table let out a collective sigh. 

“Missy’s PTSD is triggered by fireworks.”

“As is yours darling.” Missy smirked and squeezed his hand. “If you don’t feel able to go yourself, just tell me please. I would far rather know the honest answer.”

“Look, let’s just see how the day goes. We can decide this afternoon.”

To the Doctor’s surprise, Missy did seem to be making more of an effort in the morning, helping Nardole clean the Vault and updating some of his spread sheets. It was too perfect,and it was not until lunch the façade began to break.

Missy was sitting on the sofa when Nardole carried lunch in. As usual, Bill was joining them. She’d recently moved out of Moira’s and into a small flat near the University, and had since spent a lot more time with them. “Lunch!” Nardole called. Everyone always seemed to be hiding from him. Missy stayed on the sofa, fiddling with a small handkerchief, and the Doctor quickly joined her. “You going to come have some food?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Missy, you promised me you would eat something at every meal.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m hungry.”

“I can bring some over, you can stay here?” 

“I don’t want any! When will you stop trying!” She threw the cloth at him and stormed off into the bathroom, slamming the door. 

“Is she alright?” Bill asked, in between mouthfuls of food. The Doctor didn’t listen, instead reading the embroidery in the corner of the handkerchief. ‘Al, always remember you are loved, you are special, and you are amazing.’ How it had survived he had no idea, or even how she had it, but he could remember Missy going through several handkerchiefs to get it perfect. A handkerchief was a traditional present for initiation day, though he had never quite worked out why.

Blinking back tears, he made his way over to the bathroom and knocked on the door. He could hear her crying. “Missy, love, can you open the door?” There was silence for a minute, before the lock clicked. He stepped in to see her standing by the sink, shaking and muttering under her breath. “Are you alright?”

“What does it look like.” The Doctor reached for both her hands and pulled her into a hug. He watched as her eyes wandered to the razor on the shelf in the shower. 

“Do you want me to take it?” She nodded. They stayed like that for a while, subtly aware Nardole was watching them. “Can you tell me how you still have it, Kos?” The Doctor passed her the handkerchief. “The only borderline decent person at the Facility, a medic known as Oreon, she snuck the rag doll in for me. I’d tied the handkerchief to the doll. They’re the only two things I have of her. I bought one of those old type 63 TARDISes , the ones that are actually teleport boxes. When I can’t remember, they’re kept safe in the stores, ready for me to summon at any time.”

“Is that also how you got the pregnancy test?”

“Yeah, I know you’ll have to confiscate it, so I can’t get anything else.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s fine. Key’s in my bedside table.”

When they had eventually found Missy’s TARDIS box, which had disguised itself as a pen, the Doctor left to keep it somewhere safe. Nardole handed her the remaining sandwiches and held his tongue on the situation. 

The Doctor came back carrying a fat and dusty, faded old book. Missy knew what it was instantly, springing into his arms and sending them both flying into one of the armchairs. “You never told me you had this!”

“I’ve never really had a need to, you wouldn’t know who the people in the photos are! I cleared the house of anything valuable when I left Gallifrey.” He also held two photo frames, one of Alyssa at the top of Mount Solitude, and another of the three of them on the morning of Initiation day. “I thought you might like these to put on your dresser.”

“Thank you. Seriously, thank you so much!” Missy laid against his chest, half on his lap to get two of them sitting in the same armchair. She picked up the book, an old photo album and laid it on her lap. 

It was the first time she had seen her face in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're going to the fireworks, just so Missy can annoy Nardole. Hopefully updating at least once a week from now. xx


	17. Things that can burn (pt1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! This chapter was actually really fun to write, so I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Time Lords are telepathic, however because I publish in HTML instead of Rich Text, italics don't really work. So, I would like to distinguish something.
> 
> "Hello"- This is spoken by a character  
> 'Hello'- This is telepathic
> 
> There are some other occasions in which I will use a single speech mark such as:
> 
> let out a small 'whoop' of joy  
> some sort of 'Time War'
> 
> It should be fairly obvious though when it is telepathy.
> 
> Is it still new line if the same person is talking, then communicating telepathically? For now, I'm saying no.
> 
> xx

The Vault was quiet, eerily so, as the Doctor returned from the TARDIS. Missy was lying on the sofa, on her stomach, reading, Bill had gone home, and Nardole was no where to be seen. “Missy?” He sat down next to her, trying to get a glimpse of her book. 

“I’m busy, come back later.” 

“What are you reading?”

“Harry Potter.”

“Why are you reading that?”

“It had dragons and death and violence.” Missy paused at the look of concern flashed across the Doctor’s face. “And I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. The film remakes in the year 2789 were said to be the event of the century.”

“Right, ok. Can I talk to you for a minute?”

“Fine, but pass me my bookmark first, it’s on the table.” The Doctor picked up an elegant metal bookmark with Gallifreyan engraved along the side. 

“Didn’t I buy that for you?”

“Yeah, for my two thousandth birthday. Anyway what do you want?” She marked her page and sat up, leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“Do you want to go and see the fireworks?” The Doctor asked, Missy’s face lighting up immediately. 

“Yes! Yes please!”

“We can go, on the condition you tell me if you need a break, instead of forcing yourself to stay, and you are on your best behaviour. I’m not allowed to do this, and Nardole already hates me enough. If this goes badly, there’s no way he’ll ever let something like this happen again.”

“Ok, that’s fair.” Missy said.

“Shake on it.” The Doctor extended his hand for her to shake, which she did, still smiling. “Alright then Mistress, let’s go see some fireworks. Though you really should get changed into something less obvious.” She took hold of his arm as the Doctor unlocked the doors.

“There’s nothing wrong with my outfit!”

“You know what humans are like! Always sticking there noses into things.”

“That’s why you like them.”

“No, it’s actually very irritating. Come on, ladies first.” He moved to let her out, but she hesitated and took his hand. “Missy, are you ok? Kos?”

“Sorry, sorry. It’s just a bit strange, I haven’t been outside in so long. It’s been at least two years.”

“Last week you turned up at my office.”

“Did I?”

“Yep, gave Nardole a right fright. Do you not remember?”

“Sort of. I remember trying to find you, but not actually. Never mind.”

“You can do this Koschei. If there’s one thing I know about you, is that the Master never gives up, no matter what they’re doing.”

“It seems wrong to be struggling over leaving a room, when I murdered a tenth of Earth’s population without a care.”

“You were in a different place then. And I know that deep down, you did care then and you do care now. You weren’t in control of your mind.” Missy took a deep breath before marching out of the Vault, letting out a small ‘whoop’ of joy. “Did you just-“

“If you mention that, I swear I will extract your internal organs, one by one.” He laughed and followed her up the stairs. 

“Oh Kos, I love it when it’s only me and you like this. Like old times, when we were happy.”

“Stop being such a sentimental sod will you? And you seriously couldn’t have brought the TARDIS here? Now my shoes are going to get all muddy! These shoes are genuine Ardirens! They cost me a small fortune, but no! My name’s Theta Sigma and I have no brain cells or any idea how to care for a woman! Proper Time Ladies are looked after by there partners, not left to fend for themselves.” She complained as they set off, hand in hand, to his office. 

“That was uncalled for Koschei! Regardless, you always used to complain when I looked after you!”

“I wasn’t exactly a woman out of choice the first time, though I think this face enjoys being pampered to.”

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.”

“Oh shut up.” She hit him playfully on the arm. The Doctor stopped suddenly outside the door to his office. Inside Nardole was muttering loudly various complaints about the day’s events. This was going to be an interesting conversation. Missy charged ahead, shoving open the door and catching Nardole off guard. She sat down in the Doctor’s chair and opened his secret draw of chocolates. “Sir! We have discussed this! She is not allowed out of the Vault, under any circumstance, but especially not in her current state.” (“How Rude!” Missy added). “Not only because of the risk she poses to anyone in the same galaxy-“ (“Well, fair enough”) “- but if something happens to her, you will never forgive yourself!”

“Nardole, please, calm down.” The Doctor said.

“No! I will not calm down! How dare you act against my specific instructions!”

“I am far older than you! You are not my baby sitter!”

“Do you have any white chocolate?” Missy had tipped the contents of the draw onto the desk.

“Not now Missy! Nardole, I strongly believe that Missy should experience some culture whilst she is here. I think we both need some time just to be, things aren’t exactly easy at the moment.”

“What are you going to do if she kills someone?” Nardole’s question was cold. He was good at that.

“She won’t.”

“And you are willing to put that trust into her? Need I remind you, sir, that neither of you are yet to fully explain yourselves, or actually keep me in the loop with anything going on? There’s a lot about the situation you are refusing to mention.”

“I am willing to put that trust in her, because right now, our relationship is stronger than it has been for a very long time. And I mean a very long time. I understand you want answers Nardole, but as I have told you before and will tell you again, it is unfair to force Missy into giving answers.”

“Maybe so, but you haven’t even told me half of what happened last week? All I know is that brief conversation the two of you had after you had that breakdown. It wouldn’t be surprising if Bill knew more than me. Which will end badly anyway.”

“Bill doesn’t know more than you, in fact she knows less. I know this is all going to blow up, it always does, but I have spent an awful long time, where the only thing to live for was people like Bill, and their friendship. Now will you please stop talking.”

“It would be nice if for one night you two weren’t at each other’s throats.” The voice made the two of them jump. Bill had appeared, and was searching through the chocolates on the desk. “Are these safe for humans? Instead of like, being alien chocolate or something."

“You can eat them, and how long have you been there?”

“Long enough. Wanted to see if any of you were going to the fireworks.”

“We are. Missy, you should go get changed. It always takes you forever to get ready.” The Doctor was aware of the thoughts Missy was sending to him. She had questions about what Nardole had mentioned. ‘Breakdown? Theta, what’s going on?’

“Missy, if you have something to say, just say it.”

“No you don’t want to have this conversation anymore than I want to be asking the question. So tell me.” ‘What’s going on? You’re scaring me.’

‘Don’t worry, I’m fine. We can talk tomorrow, tonight is to forget all of that.’ Missy begrudgingly agreed and headed into the TARDIS. 

“Are you two like psychic or something?” Bill asked, still eating the chocolates. 

“Time Lord’s are telepathic, not psychic. We’re also touch telepaths, which means to read someone’s thoughts we need to be touching them. However, if two Time Lord’s are either married, Lorenlys, or both, they can do it without touch.”

“That is sick.”

“I suppose it is quite cool.”

“Don’t even try to read my mind though, I will kick your arse.”

“Noted. Even if I did try, you would know.”

Missy hurried back into the office half an hour later, wearing boots, some jeans and one of those oversized hoodies that was too big for her, but looked like it was supposed to be that way. “Stop staring at me Doctor.”

“Sorry, it’s just… You look beautiful!”

“Thank you. I think I might wear my hair down more often.”

“Shall we go see some fireworks gang?”

“On the condition you never call us gang again, yes.” Bill said, and lead the way out to the bonfire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If this is the last time I do anything on this story this year... HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Thank goodness. Here's to a better 2021 for us all.
> 
> Would love to know what you thought of this one, and what antics Missy should get up to at the fireworks display!
> 
> 13 has to touch Gat to show her the image of Gallifrey, but the Master can communicate with her across Paris..
> 
> xx


	18. Things that can burn (pt2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A hilltop, some fireworks, cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I disappeared. I'm sorry, I've been busy. 
> 
> I've been planning ahead, have loads done, massive arc and interesting stuff. Let's say things get big for Bill...

The bonfire was already lit by the time they reached the nearby park. A large crowd of mostly drunk students had gathered, and there were a few stands selling snacks and drinks. “Can we get popcorn?” Missy straight away made a bee-line for the closest stand, pulling the Doctor along behind her. 

“Go on then, I am feeling quite hungry.” He quickly paid and carried the popcorn back to Bill and Nardole, who had found them a bench away from most of the crowds. Missy had stopped, she was watching something. “What are you looking at Missy?” Bill asked, taking her box of popcorn.

“What are they burning?”

“Effigy of Guy Fawkes, they do it every year.”

“Why?” Missy sat down opposite her.

“Well, he tried to blow up parliament.”

“He was a nice guy though! In fact, I actually tried to kill him by messing with the Gunpowder plot…”

“You knew Guy Fawkes!” Bill cried.

“Yeah, I did have a life before I was imprisoned on this pathetic little planet, poppet. How long ‘til the fireworks start?”

“About half an hour. And Missy, don’t go running off anywhere.” The Doctor squeezed her hand under the table, she was clearly a little nervous. 

“Why would I do that, Doctor dear?”

“That’s what you do if you get nervous, you always have.”

“I love you Theta.”

“Thanks, but was that really necessary right now?”

“I just wanted to say it.”

The Doctor could see Missy getting more and more anxious as the crowds around them got bigger. She was trying, but he had to be careful. The last thing he needed was an outburst, or for Nardole to start being irritating again. “Missy?” He tapped her on the shoulder to get her attention, she had been daydreaming for a while. That was usually the first sign something was going to go wrong. “What?” She snapped, hiding her face in her hair. 

“We don’t have to stay.”

“So you keep saying.”

“But you’re clearly struggling with all the people here- which is ok- do you want to go?”

“Do you want to mind your own business? You know perfectly well I haven’t been in crowded spaces for decades.”

The Doctor took a moment to compose himself, not wanting to show his frustration. “I’m trying to help you.”

“I don’t need your help.” Missy promptly stood up and walked off into the crowd.

“What did I say?” Nardole rolled his eyes.

“Shut up Nardole, it’s people like you that made her this way in the first place.” The Doctor hurried off after her Bill not far behind. 

Missy wasn’t exactly sure where she was going. Only she knew it wasn’t back to the Vault. Fighting her way through the crowds, she eventually broke free to the other side and walked up the hill on the edge of the park. There was no one up there thankfully. It was nights like these she wanted nothing more than to have her family back together, and to be out there in amongst the stars. She hated staying in one place even more than the Doctor did. “Missy?” She jumped as Bill appeared next to her. “Are you ok?”

“What’s it to you?” She snapped in response, refusing to look at her.

“You’re my friend, and I’m worried about you.”

“You consider me a friend?”

“Yeah, do you have an issue with that?” Bill tensed as Missy hugged her, half expecting to be quite literally stabbed in the back. “What’s wrong? We’ve been looking all over for you.” Missy sighed, turning to look out over Bristol. “I don’t like being stuck here.” She muttered.

“I suppose it could be worse. At least the take outs round here are decent. Are you crying?” She shook her head, but Bill had noticed and handed her a tissue. 

“I..I just-“ Missy began, with shaking breaths. “I just keep thinking that I’m not worthy, that he could do so much better than me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m his opposite, the yin to his yang. The Universe expects me to be in his shadow, the villain. And I think of everything I’ve done to him, most without reason. He doesn’t deserve me, he deserves far better. I’m simply an echo.”

“Now, I don’t believe that for a second.” The Doctor gently took Missy’s hand. Who knew how long he’d been standing there. “You’ve won Missy.”

“What?”

“We’re not that different, me and you, and whilst I still won’t accept armies of Cybermen for my birthday present, I agree with you. When you are truly yourself, and not being controlled by your mind, we fit each other perfectly. That’s why I keep trying, to get that you back. My best friend. You are plenty worthy, even if our families may disagree.”

After summoning the TARDIS and grabbing a few blankets, the four sat under the stars waiting for the fireworks to begin. Nardole and Bill were eating yet more snacks (this time, some skittles) and Missy sat in front of the Doctor, leaning against his chest, watching. “How many of the stars up there have you two been to?” Bill asked, grabbing another blanket for warmth. “Oh, I don’t know, quite a few. What about you Missy?”

“That one there.” She pointed to one directly above the chimney of a nearby house. “I spent a lovely holiday there with an old friend of his. And of course, I’ve been to quite a few others. It would take hours to tell you them all.”

Another five minutes passed, exchanging stories about various places they had visited and the trouble they’d got themselves into. The Doctor had started talking about one place he had been to with Susan. It was the first time she had heard him willingly talk about her in a very long time. “What happened to your other family?” She asked suddenly, it wasn’t like it was something he mentioned regularly. “What do you think?”

“The War?”

“As far as I know. Susan’s still out there, I don’t know if anyone else made it out. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t have after- Don’t worry.”

“No, tell me. You never talk about things that upset you.”

“I don’t want to, it’s difficult.”

“Please, I want to know. The only thing I know about them is their names, and what they looked like. That’s all the medics gave me.”

“What do you remember of Gallifrey?”

“Stop changing the subject.”

“Fine. Do you remember when I broke you out of prison during the early years of the war with Susan?” She nodded. “I was on my way to find you. We were all working together to work out where the lab was, but on the way got cornered with some Daleks. I think you can imagine what happened next.”

“You watched your family die. I’m sorry Theta, I never realised. You carry as much pain as me.”

“Not as much, just different.”

A loud bang signalled the start of the display. As the first fireworks lit up the night sky, the two of them huddled under the blankets. “To all we have lost.” Missy whispered. “We shall meet again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all xx Please tell me what you think
> 
> Missy totally went on holiday with Clara...


	19. Things that can burn (pt3)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi. :-)

“Do you think any of them are still out there?” The Doctor asked. Neither he nor Missy could make eye contact, they were both more focused on getting to the end of the display, which was beautiful. “Any of who?” She replied.

“My children.” He said, almost a whisper, as if he was afraid of what she might say.

“I don’t know. Jenny is, I met her a while back. So much like you, it’s hilarious-“ She cut off at the sight of the Doctor’s face. “You didn’t realise…”

“No. I didn’t even know you knew she existed, let alone met her. I thought she was dead. She wasn’t like me enough.” 

They sat in silence for the rest of the display. Bill and Nardole were all too aware of how much they were finding out about the Doctor and Missy, and they were both pretty sure they didn’t want them to know half of what they did- Bill was under the impression he never told his companions anything. “Have you ever kissed yourself?” Missy asked, breaking the peace and playing with a stray curl of the Doctor’s hair. He really needed it cut. “What do you mean?” He replied. The fireworks had finished, but none of them could be bothered to make their way back into the TARDIS. “Like when you’ve met your past selves, you’ve never been curious?”

“I haven’t ever kissed myself.” He confirmed, though she could feel him blushing. He most certainly was curious. 

“I have.” She smiled, it had been an interesting day. Well, week. And she was certain that wasn’t the only time. 

“Why am I not surprised. Please tell me that was all you did.”

“Theta, this is me we’re talking about! How can you be so certain?”

“Missy!” The Doctor sounded a little worried.

“That is wrong, plain wrong!” Cried Bill. It was safe to say both her and Nardole looked remarkably disgusted. 

“Oh poppet, that’s hardly the grossest thing I’ve done. You humans, honestly, such weak stomachs. You can taste it in you, quite tough but surprisingly tasty.”

“Ok, conversation over. Sir, why don’t you help me get all the blankets back in the TARDIS, it’s getting late anyway.” Missy laughed at the terrified looks on their faces.  
“Actually, I would like to stay out here for a minute, get a last bit of air before you lock me back in my prison cell. O misery!” She threw her arms out in exaggeration, nearly smacking straight into Nardole. “Ok, five minutes. Bill, you stay with her.” The Doctor collected the last few bits of rubbish, grumbling as Missy subtly kicked them just out of his reach. “Doctor, you are not leaving me with her! She just confessed cannibalism!”

“It was necessary for her survival, I came across her- Oh never mind. Bill, she won’t eat you, that was a one off. I think. We’ll be back in a minute.” He disappeared before she could argue further. “By the way Bill, it wasn’t cannibalism, I’m not human.”

“And? It’s vile!”

“No better than you eating chicken or pork. Imagine, the little chicken screaming for its mother as-“

“Ok Missy, you’ve made your point. Please, stop talking.”

“Spoilsport.”

“What’s that?” Bill asked, pointing at a light that had appeared over the houses next to the hill.

“Why would I know? You’re the one who lives here, I’m a prisoner.” Bill rolled her eyes, hoping she wouldn’t noticed and walked to the edge of the hill, squinting to see where the light was coming from. She didn’t expect to be grabbed from behind and held in a head lock. “What-“ She was being held too tightly, she couldn’t breathe. Bill tried to get a look at the figure, they were cloaked. At least it wasn’t Missy. “Help me.” She croaked, wincing as the figure punched her in the jaw. Suddenly, Missy charged into him, pulling him away and wrestling with him, yelling all sorts of insults. By the time Bill had picked herself off the floor, it was too late. She could see what was going to happen. There was a sickening crack, followed by a blood-curdling scream, the figure crumpling to the floor. He was dead, and Missy was somehow covered in blood. 

“What the hell’s going on out here?” The Doctor and Nardole charged out the doorway, stopping dead in their tracks at the sight in front of them. “Missy, what are you doing?” She had been helping Bill back to the TARDIS, but the Doctor wrenched her away, causing her to cry out in pain. “Um Sir…” Nardole had found the body. The Doctor sighed, he sounded like he was exhausted of all this. “Missy. I'm not even going to say anything right now. It’s not worth it anymore, I give up. I’ve tried to help-“

“Stop. Please. I was protecting Bill, she’ll tell you.” Missy whispered, clinging onto the Doctor, trails of red lining his coat. “Bill, is this true?” She nodded.

“Attacked… By that guy… Sorry, I need a minute.” The Doctor nodded, she had gone incredibly pale.

“Right. I think we should all go into the TARDIS so everyone is safe. Agreed?” For once the Doctor didn’t argue with Nardole, helping Missy across the grass. She was shaking, and a little spooked. “Please don’t make a habit of beating people up, or getting beaten up Missy, it isn’t a good idea.” She let a small laugh, but couldn’t look at him. 

Unfortunately, just as they were reaching the TARDIS, Missy was yanked away from him. He wasn’t able to stop her falling nastily onto her side. “What? Why did I move?” She sat up, and then froze. 

“You alright?” The Doctor went to help her up, not expecting a sharp shock of electricity when he approached. “Ok, whatever it is you’re doing Missy, game’s over. It’s cold, late and I’m tired.”

“I’m not doing anythi-Ow!” She yelled, a red force field appearing around her. The Doctor could tell what it was straight away. 

“You’ve got to be kidding me…” He muttered. “Bill, Nardole, stay in the TARDIS. Missy, I’ll get you out.” But she wasn’t listening, the power of the force field making her stand up and float a few inches off the ground. Her body was convulsing violently, it didn’t look like she would hang on long. “Help….Theta…” She managed to whisper, though there was nothing he could do. Not until the controller of the field showed up. And he had a horrible feeling who that might be, at least judging by the outfit of the now dead attacker on the grass next to them. “Koschei!” A voice boomed in the darkness. “About time we tracked you down, and considering your current state, we couldn’t have come fast enough.” A second figure teleported to just behind where Missy was floating. Of course it had to be him. “What do you think you’re doing here?” The Doctor demanded, standing as close as he dared. “Oh Theta, how are things? Better for us coming I bet.” The figure snarled. He was the shorter than the Doctor, but wasn’t intimidated.

“Get off this planet, and leave us alone.”

“Why would we do that?”

“She has done nothing wrong.”

“Hardly, she’s remembering to start with. Can’t have the secrets getting out, imagine the scandal! And do I really need to point out the obvious?”

“How do you know that?”

“We’re not stupid. You don’t think we put tracking implants in the conditioning after she escaped from us the first time? Exactly.” The Doctor was speechless. 

“She wants to remember.”

“I think I know best here.”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

"I'm her father.”

“And I’m her husband.” The Doctor chose to ignore the gasps from Bill and Nardole. That was the least important thing on his mind. “You’re going to kill her.” He said.

“No, we don’t want to kill her. We want to kill the baby she’s carrying. I heard it’s possibly twins? How idiotic are you two?”

“Don’t you dare…” The Doctor backed away, subtly reaching down into the pocket of the dead man. He was a facility guard, and they were armed, in case inmates tried to escape. “You see, Doctor, it wouldn’t be the first time…” The Doctor swore he flinched as he pointed the gun at him. 

“If you’re saying what I think you are, I will fire this gun. Now. Nobody messes with my family.”

“Ha! The man who hails peace. You wouldn’t dare!”

“Wouldn’t I?”

“Please, I’ve known you since you were eight, does that not count for anything?”

“You took her away from me when she needed me most, tortured her and held her captive for over a century. And that was only the first time, what about the war? I don’t think she knows that I know it was you running it. But I know you remember the day I stormed the facility in the war. You can’t deny that. Don’t even get me started on her childhood.”

“Pathetic, I wasn’t the one who through her off the landing.”

“You have ten seconds to free her before I shoot. You know perfectly well I will. I should have done a long time ago.”

“Well, I’m waiting.”

“Thet…I…” Missy was terrified.

“Koschei! Considering I haven’t seen you in a while, there’s something I want to say to you. I will get you, no matter what. And you will burn, your mind will burn once more. Hopefully I’ve managed to kick start the conditioning-“

“Times up. What regeneration?”

“And I think I mean to say I-“

“What regeneration!” The Doctor shouted. He couldn’t remember the last time he had got that angry.

“Ten.”

“Good luck.” The Doctor pulled the trigger as Missy fell to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I didn't give Missy's father a name. I couldn't think of a good one to be honest. Get ready for some awkward conversations... Lovexx


	20. The console room floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No one deserves to be killed Bill, but there are a fair few people in the universe I wouldn’t be quick to think about saving. He’s one of them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twenty chapters!!!
> 
> Wow, I never thought this would get this far. Thank you so much to everyone who has read, commented or left kudos, I love you all.
> 
> This chapter was supposed to go on further, but I ended up spending a lot of time developing Missy's back story instead, so there isn't too much plot in this one. It also goes to some dark places, as it talks a little about what the Doctor knows about Missy's time in the facility.
> 
> Special thanks to John Smith, for their suggestion for Missy's father's title as The Professor. It fits perfectly.

The Doctor watched stunned as he clutched his chest in agony. It had been a perfect hit, straight in the right heart. He looked at him with a manic anger, the Doctor could see where Missy got it from. In a flash, he teleported away, along with the dead guard, leaving Missy free of the force field, but whimpering in pain.

It took a moment for the Doctor to process everything before he crouched down next to Missy. Bill and Nardole had stayed in the TARDIS like he had asked, but still seemed a little shaken. Then again, he had shot someone. As he saw the state Missy was in, he realised working out what happened, and what she had been hiding would have to wait. “Missy, can you hear me?” He spoke quietly, the most important thing was that she could trust him, making her jump wouldn’t do them any favours. She stared straight past him, not responding. “I’m going to have to lift you so we can get into the TARDIS and be safe.” He said, noticing her tense at his words. At least she could hear what he was saying, even if her brain wouldn’t let her reply. The Doctor tried a telepathic answer, but could feel how scrambled her mind was. She needed time to piece her thoughts back together. “I know you’re not going to like this, but I’ll be gentle and as quick as I can.” He reached down, scooping her into his arms and running for the TARDIS. Missy lashed out at him, and he quickly laid her down on the console room floor. He could tell they weren’t going to get any further safely, though they were now safe, and warm. 

“Nardole, get us out of here. Put the shields on maximum, and into stealth mode. Bill, I need you to grab me a blanket. Then sit down, you don’t look well.” The Doctor demanded, flicking a few switches to dim the lights. “Is she going to be ok?” Bill asked, handing him a fluffy blue blanket that was slightly grass-covered from earlier in the evening. 

“Bill.” The Doctor groaned, running his hands through his hair. Missy was right, it did need a cut. “I…I just don’t know… Her body’s gone into shut down to preserve life, it’s a common thing we do when close to death or badly hurt. She should come out of it pretty quickly, but it’s the after effects I’m more concerned about. If that conditioning kicks in, I’ve lost her.” He wiped a tear from his cheek and took Missy’s hand. Some colour was starting to come back to her cheeks, but she was still shaking. 

“She can hear us though, right?” Bill sat down opposite. 

“The best way to describe it is when you first wake up, and you’re sort of there, you can hear what’s going on, but you need a second to open your eyes and talk. Basically, Missy’s stuck in the middle. She’ll know and understand everything we’re saying, and probably see us too, yet she can’t acknowledge it.” Bill nodded, for once grateful of Nardole coming over with a first aid kit. 

“Twelve days.” The Doctor announced a little while later. He hadn’t moved from where he was sat- none of them had- and while Missy was starting to show a few more signs of life, they were few and far between. “What was that sir?” Nardole asked.

“It’s only been twelve days since this all started, since I found out about-“ He sighed, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. “No wonder Missy’s been finding everything so hard, it hasn’t even been two weeks since she tried to take her life. Then it’s a week today since she collapsed and hit her head. Lucky her ribs have healed I guess. I wish I could say the same about the rest of her. That’s what worries me, I would be confident she could fight of the force field’s effects is she was healthy to begin with. This isn’t fair. She hasn’t asked for this, and if I could wave a magic wand and take it all away, I would in a heartsbeat.”

“She’ll get through this Doctor, she’s strong.” But the Doctor wasn’t listening to Bill, he was just thinking about everything they’d lost, and how close they were to it happening again. 

An hour had passed since the Doctor had brought Missy back to the TARDIS, and they could see he was getting more and more nervous. “What was that force field?” Nardole said, trying to find a distraction. The Doctor glared at him, contemplating whether to answer his question. “It’s an Omicron field, used by the Time Lords for torture, interrogation and execution. What you saw was technically an illegal use, but no one wants to stop them. They’re cleaning the streets of the diseased.” He said, with air quotes.

“Why the air quotes?” Bill wondered, passing a biscuit tin down to him.

“Because by diseased, they mean people like Missy.”

“What’s she done?

“Precisely. It’s an unfair and cruel system. It’s one of the reasons Time Lords are so advanced. You can put anyone with a hint of mental illness into the facility, and get them to do all the dangerous jobs and use them as guinea pigs. It was not unheard of, especially during the war, for the facility to intentionally damage people’s minds to get more weapons built.”

“That’s horrible!” Bill couldn’t quite believe it.

“It is. Unfortunately, Missy is one of those who were hurt like that. But she’s done better than most. Practically everyone who goes in, never comes out. Yet here she is, escaped twice and lived to tell the tale. I think that’s quite something.”

“But, the guy you shot, he was her dad?” The Doctor nodded gravely.

“The Professor. To the rest of Gallifrey, an esteemed and noble scientist. To those who know him, a monster. I killed him a long time ago, but he keeps coming back. Like father like son.”

“What sort of parent would imprison their child?”

“Gallifrey has a lot of dark secrets. I can assure you there were many other families similar. With neither of us exactly following society’s expectations, they wanted any excuse to take her. Basic protocol would logically mean I should have been the one taken, but this is Missy, and she would have quickly destroyed his reputation.”

“That’s all it boils down to? Status?” Bill seemed shocked.

“Yeah. If you can improve Gallifrey’s appearance, the Lord President will support you. If you have their support, you can get away with anything. It’s why no one ever tried to stop them, a perfect loophole, anyone who knew or protested fell into one of the categories eligible for imprisonment.”

“I… I don’t even know what to say…” Nardole had actually been stunned into silence.

“I can assure you, if you even knew what they got up to….” The Doctor sighed, staring at the floor.

“You know, don’t you?” Bill moved off her chair to sit next to him.

“Some, barely any. When they took her for the second time, in the war, I broke her out. On my way, after killing the Professor for the second time, I had a quick look at her file. It seemed relatively normal. Some of it was questionable, but it was what someone who hadn’t been in the facility would expect to see. When I got to her cell…”

“What was it?” The Doctor was almost puzzled Bill had asked. “I know what you’re thinking-” She said. “-but it’s only going to upset you. And honestly, I’d quite like to know who we’re up against if he’s chasing us across the universe.”

“Missy’s going to kill me. This is the one thing she refuses to talk about, more than anything.”

“You said you know very little, and we want to help. We’re here to stay and you’re only telling us what you know. It’s not like we’re snooping.” The Doctor hesitated, considering the options.

“The facility’s job in the war was turning those deemed beyond help into decent soldiers. From her file, they had Missy on designing weapons. I’ll never forget walking along the corridor she was being held in, the screams of everyone around me, yelling and just the worst sounds you could possibly imagine. There was this woman, being dragged half naked down the corridor, screaming her head off and begging the two guards holding her to let her go, before they took her wherever they were going. Missy’s cell was at the end of the corridor, high security. Opening that door changed my opinion of Gallifrey forever. She, well he at this point, was tied to the wall of a completely empty white room. He was wearing only a straight jacket, and had two guards pointing their guns at him. And he had been designing weapons, but was forced to draw with a pen in his mouth. I later found out this was because the day before, she had cut her hands off in a bid to escape. She told me after we had left that they treated her far better than everyone else. But the worst bit was he had regenerated again – they force all the inmates to regenerate, and supply them with extra, as you can imagine, suicide rates are high – he had chosen the form of a child, hoping they would let him go. If anything that made it worse. And I could go on but, you get the idea, I haven’t even mentioned the mental side of things.”

“I never… Oh my God…. He deserved it, the Professor guy.”

“No one deserves to be killed Bill, but there are a fair few people in the universe I wouldn’t be quick to think about saving. He’s one of them.”

“No wonder she freaks out when she’s in the med bay, or I use the tranquiliser.” Nardole thought.

“Yep, that’s why I hate using it. The conditioning may have meant she’s spent most of her time unable to remember, in fact, less and less regularly as time has gone on, but it’s still there in her subconscious. The combination of that and the drums are what made her this way. An anger, and a thirst for revenge, but unable to remember why. ‘An accidental home grown weapon’ they called her.” 

“How do you even begin to help someone who’s been through that?” Bill said, it was a valid point.

“With great difficulty, immense patience and little hope. The thing is, Missy’s always been stuck between three personalities; who she tries to be, who she wants to be and who she’s forced to be. It’s trying to keep them all in balance. She said to me once, when we were teenagers, that she never thought she would be able to control her mind. I refuse to give up on trying.”

“Mmm… I remember that.” Missy croaked.

“Missy? You’re awake thank goodness! You kept that quiet.” The Doctor smiled broadly.

“You…You were… talking about me.”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Bigger issues….Doesn’t…..matter.”

“We need to get you patched up, you’ve taken quite a pounding again.”

“In a minute…Hurts…Tell them to go…” Bill and Nardole were already half way up the stairs by the time the Doctor had opened his mouth. “I love you Theta.” Missy whispered. “I’m sorry, this is all my fault.”

“Far from it. I love you too Kos, now please let me at least help you move somewhere more comfortable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I promise to put plenty of fluff in the next few chapters. xx
> 
> And I'm afraid you're going to have to wait longer to see if she and the babies are going to be ok...

**Author's Note:**

> This story is part of the LLF Comment Project, which was created to improve communication between readers and authors. This author invites and appreciates feedback, including:
> 
> Short comments  
> Long comments  
> Questions  
> Constructive criticism  
> “<3” as extra kudos  
> Reader-reader interaction
> 
> This author replies to comments.
> 
> “If you don’t want a reply, for any reason (sometimes I feel shy when I’m reading and not up to starting a conversation, for example), feel free to sign your comment with “whisper” and I will appreciate it but not respond!”


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